The Silent Pleas

As the months have passed I have tried to go on. I have tried to live this life as normal as I can. But the truth, the painful hard truth, is that I find I cannot go on. I cannot live with this failure in my heart. This failure that is so large that it is eating me up inside. There is a lump in my throat everyday. There are tears in my eyes because I cannot face life wothout him. I tried so hard to save him and noone would listen. Now I find I am trying so hard with myself and noone hears my pleas. My silent, deafening pleas for help. Life has went back to normal for everyone, but not for me. For me there is no life. There is a space in my heart that is dark and black and oh so bleak. People say, "You have to be strong for your other children!" But how can I when I have no strength left.
Jeff is everywhere here. He is in my basement. The soft, quiet lonely still basement that holds a treasure box that is filled with what is left of my son's life. He is on our livingroom wall. His pictures look at me with smiling faces that I cannot fathom ever held any truth in them. But mostly, mostly he is in my mind. I struggle every moment when something of him flashes through my mind. I am alone in a world full of people who do not understand. I am tired. So very tired of Tim, my children, and this life. I cannot meet their needs anymore because I am dying inside.- dying. I am pleading for help- begging God to get me through just one more day. And for what? For the constant reminder that I failed my son. That I failed to get him help. That I failed to see the depth of his anger that was really pain.
And why? Why did he do this? Was it really just one more thing to hurt me. Well, it worked. I am broken. I am more than broken. I am crushed to the very core. I am hanging on by a thread. Won't someone make this pain stop. This body is failing me so fast. I have no energy. I have no motive. I have nothing that makes this life a joy anymore. I tell myself I have these children, these grandchildren, this life. But as each day goes on I can see that I am a true failure in every sense on the word. I cannot remember things. Everything I do is wrong. People want so much and I cannot give anymore. I cannot do this anymore. There is no tomorrow...there is only today...this moment...and in this moment is so much pain for the child I gave everything I had to. He broke me. I am broken and I fear I shall never be fixed....never....
I thought getting the stone would help, but it does not. It is just a painful reminder that is real and he is never ever coming back. He chose to leave this life rather than be with us. I sucked that bad.
I thought going to see my grown children would help, but they are no comfort. They are so wrapped up in their own lives- their own grief that they cannot help their Momma- they can barely help themselves. Sometimes my friends see that I am losing it. And they hug me, but I want them to hold me...to take me in their arms and carry me away from here...away from this constant seering pain. I want to crawl inside of them and feel something, anything, but this. But they smile. They hug. And they go back to their unscathed lives and go on.
I tell everyone that I am living through it, but I am not. I am living in it. I am living around it. I am crying and sobbing and running so far and so fast that if I stop...I will curl up in a ball and die....I want to lay next to jeff one more time and rub his head and sooth his fears. I want to go to the top of the world and say, "IF YOU WOULD HAVE LISTENED- MY CHILD WOULD'VE LIVED!"
My body is here, but I am dying inside....just dying...the glass isn't half empty or half full....there is nothing in it anymore....Each time a child leaves my home, each day one of them gets sick, I am terrified they will die and with them a bigger slice of me will fgo until there's truly nothing left but a shall of a woman who had so many hopes and dreams for a family and children who are no longer the same. It will never ever be the same.
I need to get passed this to survive. I need to write out this pain and let it heal, but I cannot trust God. I hang on to Him and wait for the next tragedy to come and pray I can get through. What if I cannot? Will I succumb to insanity....I do not know....