So Tired

I am tired. Tired of fighting to keep my head above water. Tired of trying to make everyone feel better. Tired of trying to figure out what the heck happened and why. Tired of trying to help my family. basically, I'm tired of this life. Actually, I am tired of this death. I am tired of everyone making this seem like a huge remember Jeff love fest. I am tired of noone saying that what he did was wrong, hateful, and hurtful . I am tired of watching Katie-Grace die inside as she grapples to figure out this stuff that I can't even figure out. I am tired that Jeff never thought about her, or them, or us when he did this. I am tired that for alot of people this is over. BUT FOR ME- IT IS NEVER OVER. I see his death everywhere. In Katce's face, in there quietness, at his grave, in a song, in a photo, in my nightmares (that's if I ever sleep), in the anger on his face- I see it every moment of everyday. I am tired of trying to be happy and find joy. I am tired of waking upp and wishing I could go back to sleep. I am tired of never being good enough at this and tired of wondering if I really care. I am tired of needing God so badly that it hurts that I cannot forgive Him for what Jeff did. I cannot fathom why this pain has to go on, I see the rainbows, but I cannot holding up the umbrella in the rain. I am tired of getting up, breathing, being afraid, being paranoid, having life go on, forgetting stuff, wondering everyday for the rest of my life if I couldn't have done one more thing to stop this- one more thing to stop him. I am tired of not being able to control one aspect of my life and tired of trying to get antwhre, anytime, with anything. This is a huge bad dream and sometimes I cannot shake it. I am tired of being messed with, ignored, and unloved. I DID NOT DO THIS! I spent the whole last 2 years of his life trying to get someone- anyone to listen to me and HELP HIM! It isn't me who failed- it is a society, a system, hell bent on people's rights, but not so bent on protecting someone from those same rights. I stood over that car and saw the blood, the gun, the hot humid air, and I died with him too. I will never ever forget that awful day...but must I relive it everyday of my life....I am soo tired...