A Guiltless Sign

Each day I do what I have to get through the day- and I do...mostly. But there are some days, the bad days, that I become so overwelmed that I cannot function. I understand that my son is dead. I understand that he chose to take his own life. I finally have come to understand that it wasn't my fault. But what I fail to understand is the whys....
Why did Jeff have to die?
Why did he choose to kill himself?
Why did he choose death over life?
Why couldn't he let us help him?
But mostly why did he do this to our family?
It is on these days that I find myself wandering to the cemetary to have a heart to heart with my God and my son. Not long ago, on a day when I was pretty sure I couldn't get through just one more day, that I had had it with God and this whole idea of living with suicide I went to the cemetary.
 The cemetary is quiet. It is lonely. But it is also a place where many come to visit their loved ones. Not that they are really there, but for some reason it makes us feel closer to the person we miss so much.
I told God that day, that I was dying inside, that the guilt was killing me. The awful guilt that many paople have made me feel. That I was somehow responsible for my son's death. People can be so cruel and through the course of Jeff's death- people have said many cruel things which I have been able to ignore except those directed at my parenting skills. Those comments have hurt me so deeply that i believe on some level that I will never recover from them. And it is with this agony that I went to my Lord and Savior and asked Him for a sign that this wasn't my fault. I begged Him really. I was sobbing on my knees on Jeff's grave, pulling weeds, trying to clean up my boy's only home.
Please, Lord, please...this cannot be my fault. It cannot be. I cannot mother anymore...I cannot function anymore...I do not want to eat or sleep....I do not want to laugh...I do not want to go anywhere or get outta bed or get a shower...I cannot even love... this is destroying me...totally destroying me...I am dying Lord, dying...do You care? Is this the life You want for me? I have to have a sign God...a sign from You...if this is not my fault than I want You to send me a person, right here, right now- who knew Jeff, who knew our situation, and I need them to tell me that Jeff didn't kill himself because of me...if You don't give me this sign- then I will dy inside...I already am...
And I wept. I wept so long and so hard that I could barely see. My face was buried in my hands and I was so overcome with guilt and grief that I hadn't even looked up. I hadn't even heard a thing.
And then I looked up. And there, sitting at the end of cemetary drive was one of Jeff's good friends, Dustin. He was on his motorcycle. He was there waiting. Just waiting. I hadn't even heard him. I didn't know how long he'd been there. I only knew he was there, and I knew that God had sent him.- sent him for me.
I wiped my face. I crept into my car. I drove to the end of the drive. Dustin came and met me. And I cried. "Do you know why you are here?," I said to him.
He looked at me with that soft, winning, boyish grin,"Well, it's been about a month and I felt like I just needed to come today..."
"Dustin, I prayed for you to come...you are an answer to prayer. I asked God to send someone to me that knew Jeff well and who could tell me that this wasn't my fault..." and I began to weep.
"This is not your fault...it never was. There was just something that was wrong...I don't know what. But no one blames you ...Jeff didn't do this because of you...he just did it..." and we talked and he shared and I felt the guilt lift and I felt God's peace and presence all around me. And as I spoke to this boy, this young man who was sharing about my son, I became so thankful for these friends of Jeff's who stood by him through thick and thin. I saw them not as children, but as people who may have kept Jeff alive for a couple more years. If it wasn't for these young people, Jeff wouldn't have survived as long as he did.
As I watched Dustin drive to have his time with Jeff, I left my time with him, feeling the first true peace I had felt in months. I asked God for a sign and He gave it to me...He gave me His undivided attention and love...I mattered to him. And it wasn't my fault. I am sure of that now. I made some mistakes and I'd come to grips with those, but the choice Jeff made was his and his alone. God uses many things to show us his love, but his use of Dustin that day was nothing short of miraculous. In fact, it was the miracle that truly saved my life....