Jeff's sadness continued. He began to follow me from room to room, wait for me when I went into the bathroom, sit outside of a room when I was in it with the door shut. He was in essence back to his toddler years needing to know where I was every moment of the day and it frightened me. I knew that he believed that his sadness stemmed from his break-up with Amy. Out of the blue Jeff broke up with her. There was no real reason for it- except that he told her he just wasn't good enough for her. Then when Amy began to believe that perhaps they both needed a break to "find" God's purpose for their lives- Jeff wanted her back.
When Amy held steadfast about the break- Jeff's depression worsened. Amy had seen what we saw all of jeff's life- a lost little boy who needed help, who needed his family, and so she set out to do the hardest thing she'd ever had to do- give the man she loved back to God to fix. I believed they would work it out in time. I believed that he was just a lovesick young man, but I was wrong...so very wrong...
Ever since I met Amy- she was the daughter of my heart. I adored her. her infectious smile, her little giggles, the way she could light up a room by just dancing acrossed it all made me love her. When Amy was in preschool- I fell head over heels in love with her and nicknamed her "Amy Do-Da"- I don't know why, but God knew. For our God had a very special plan for Amy in my life- I didn't know it then, but I certainly know it now. After we adopted Jeff, I began to see how Amy watched him- and while he treated her like a little sister because they were so young, I could see that Amy believed in her small heart that Jeff "hung the moon". He could do no wrong. It wasn't until later in highschool that I saw Amy watching him again with eyes so full of love that I began to secretly pray that someday they would marry and begin a family. When I suggested Amy to Jeff as possible dating material, he shrugged me off and said, "Mom- Amy's my friend- I can't screw that up...". So I sat back and watched as he dated a few girls and remained unhappy, but in my heart- there was always my Amy.
You cannot imagine how elated I was when I realized that the two had began dating. Although our contact with Jeff at that time was limited, I knew that Amy was a born again Christian and that her family went to a good established church. Jeff was seeiing Amy and going back to church and that was good enough for me. So, I kept my thoughts to myself, but prayed and hoped and dreamed for Amy to be a permanent part of our lives.
Jeff could not get passed his break-up with Amy. He could not accept that sometimes love takes time and God needs time to shape and mold all of us into the people He intends us to be. Jeff wanted what he wanted and he always wanted it now and what he wanted was Amy. And with each day the saddness began to get worsen. The reality that he would have to wait and work and hope wasn't something he wanted to do, afterall, he was the great Jeff Burd. Everything came easy to him. He said he couldn't take one more person rejecting him. He just couldn't. And so he began to do everything he could to see her, call her, and talk to her. he began to be obsessed with her. Jeff began to stalk Amy.
It was at this time that Tim and I began to suggest to Jeff that he needed to talk to someone. He rejected the idea every time saying that I was enough and that I could help him. So when I finally got him to agree the day before his death that if we went to our family physician, perhaps he could prescribe something that would ease his tension, help him have an appetite, even sleep, etc. I was thrilled...finally...a step in the right direction. I was sure that this time he'd be alright. I was sure my son was about to embark on the greatest healing journey of his life. I was thrilled that I was to be a part of it....and I was terribly right....
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Beginning of the Most Awful Days of My Life....
Jeffrey had asked to move home, finally he was coming home. We were nervous of course and a little frightened, but happy none the less. Happy to know he was safe and happy to see that beautiful toothy grin of his each day. But as the week unfolded, it became apparent that there was something deeply wrong with Jeff. He wasn't eating or sleeping, and he was crying much of the time. In that week he and I began a journey of our own. He was able to verbalize some of his fears some from early childhood. He begged me not to make him go to college- he said he just couldn't do it- he just couldn't grow up. Could he please stay? Would I help him find a job? Could he go and stay with lacey and Ben for the summer- to be a part of that ministry- could we help him find his way? So that week I made all of this stuff happen with the help of prayers and friends. He would be okay- he had a great future ahead of him...did he know that? Together we would get him help. So with in a week his life was set and all that he wanted would come true....
He told me that he had always wanted to come home- that so many people kept getting in the way. I told him that that's how his Dad and I felt- that well meaning people tried to take over and parent him when they knew nothing about him or his past or his needs. He said he felt the same and that he would've come home before college ever started at Cornerstone. But people didn't stop butting in and they didn't let us parent our child. To be truthful I still have alot of animosity for those people because I lost a horrendous amount of time with my son. There is a reason Tim and I chose to parent Jeff and there are reasons we were chosen to parent him. There are homestudies and certain criteria that we had to pass to adopt a special needs child like Jeff. But those people chose to step in and step up and what they did was step on our toes- heck they stepped on our shoes and kicked the legs right out from under us. I want to ask them if they knew he was scared out of his wits to go to college? Did they know he would steal, cheat, and lie when he was scared? I want to ask them if they knew that when any change took place in his life he would run? Did they know that he hated being known as a great athlete and not just Jeff Burd? Did they know he needed us and the stability of our love- the only stability he'd ever had? Did they even care? Of course they never knew that- they never asked. They never asked him and they certainly never asked us. So we sat on the sidelines for 2 years and watched our son ruin his life and make awful mistakes that could be forgiven but never forgotten. I know I sound hateful, but truly I am more resentful. I think before you ever step up to parent someone else's child, buy them a phone, give them a place to live, or give him an opinion on how we should've parented him- you may want to find out a bit about the child from the family that stepped up and took him out of the system to start with. I just didn't get pregnant and hope for a child- I chose this child- I knew what and who I was getting when I got him. AND I GOT HIM...He was my son and he will always be my son....because while you were in his life for a short time- I brought him home from NY. I raised him for over four thousand days. I watched him run away three different times. I brought him back. It was me he came home to before he died. And it was me who found him dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound, blood everywhere on that final day. You were not there- it was me and my heart was and is broken....your life will go on, but mine will forever be tainted with the knowledge that the child I chose to love, I chose to help, is gone from me forever ......
He told me that he had always wanted to come home- that so many people kept getting in the way. I told him that that's how his Dad and I felt- that well meaning people tried to take over and parent him when they knew nothing about him or his past or his needs. He said he felt the same and that he would've come home before college ever started at Cornerstone. But people didn't stop butting in and they didn't let us parent our child. To be truthful I still have alot of animosity for those people because I lost a horrendous amount of time with my son. There is a reason Tim and I chose to parent Jeff and there are reasons we were chosen to parent him. There are homestudies and certain criteria that we had to pass to adopt a special needs child like Jeff. But those people chose to step in and step up and what they did was step on our toes- heck they stepped on our shoes and kicked the legs right out from under us. I want to ask them if they knew he was scared out of his wits to go to college? Did they know he would steal, cheat, and lie when he was scared? I want to ask them if they knew that when any change took place in his life he would run? Did they know that he hated being known as a great athlete and not just Jeff Burd? Did they know he needed us and the stability of our love- the only stability he'd ever had? Did they even care? Of course they never knew that- they never asked. They never asked him and they certainly never asked us. So we sat on the sidelines for 2 years and watched our son ruin his life and make awful mistakes that could be forgiven but never forgotten. I know I sound hateful, but truly I am more resentful. I think before you ever step up to parent someone else's child, buy them a phone, give them a place to live, or give him an opinion on how we should've parented him- you may want to find out a bit about the child from the family that stepped up and took him out of the system to start with. I just didn't get pregnant and hope for a child- I chose this child- I knew what and who I was getting when I got him. AND I GOT HIM...He was my son and he will always be my son....because while you were in his life for a short time- I brought him home from NY. I raised him for over four thousand days. I watched him run away three different times. I brought him back. It was me he came home to before he died. And it was me who found him dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound, blood everywhere on that final day. You were not there- it was me and my heart was and is broken....your life will go on, but mine will forever be tainted with the knowledge that the child I chose to love, I chose to help, is gone from me forever ......
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Little Bit Stronger
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Every mother's worst fear is to lose a child and I have lost eight. I have suffered seven miscarriages and the suicide death of my oldest son Jeff. Jeff- our hardest child to raise. The one who we knew had emotional problems. The one who was old enough to know his parents walked away from him to do drugs, but too young to ever understand. The one whom every single life change good or bad was a constant struggle. The one who lied, cheated, and stole from the first day we brought him home. The one who didn't want to be adopted. The one who just wanted his bio dad to love him and come back for him. The one who was scared of the dark, could never sleep, and slept with a weapen.The one who could never believe in himself. The one who would destroy anything good in his life. The one who never ever understood the depth of our love for him, our committment to him, or even our sacrifices for him. The one who would tell a counselor what they wanted to hear, but never got to be heard himself. Jeff- our most amazing child. The one who could be more compassionate than we knew ever existed. The one who could try any sport and succeed and succeed well. The one who never needed to study to get "A's". The one who could stay up all night and be with you if you were ill. The one who would bottle feed his sister every night. The one who would finally crawl up on my lap for love exhausted after fighting all day to figure it out. The one who I gave up my life for. The one I would have stopped and took that bullet myself if it meant him living a full life and being the beautiful man I know God intended him to be.The one who would help anyone at the drop of the hat. This was our son. A huge basket of contradictions. But he was worth it. He was worth all of the pain and of course all of the good times. I guess as I begin this journey I ask for prayer for understanding as the days and weeks unfold and I relive his life- our lives. I want to understand for my children, for my family, and for my friends not only how this happened, but to maybe prevent it from ever happening again.
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Every mother's worst fear is to lose a child and I have lost eight. I have suffered seven miscarriages and the suicide death of my oldest son Jeff. Jeff- our hardest child to raise. The one who we knew had emotional problems. The one who was old enough to know his parents walked away from him to do drugs, but too young to ever understand. The one whom every single life change good or bad was a constant struggle. The one who lied, cheated, and stole from the first day we brought him home. The one who didn't want to be adopted. The one who just wanted his bio dad to love him and come back for him. The one who was scared of the dark, could never sleep, and slept with a weapen.The one who could never believe in himself. The one who would destroy anything good in his life. The one who never ever understood the depth of our love for him, our committment to him, or even our sacrifices for him. The one who would tell a counselor what they wanted to hear, but never got to be heard himself. Jeff- our most amazing child. The one who could be more compassionate than we knew ever existed. The one who could try any sport and succeed and succeed well. The one who never needed to study to get "A's". The one who could stay up all night and be with you if you were ill. The one who would bottle feed his sister every night. The one who would finally crawl up on my lap for love exhausted after fighting all day to figure it out. The one who I gave up my life for. The one I would have stopped and took that bullet myself if it meant him living a full life and being the beautiful man I know God intended him to be.The one who would help anyone at the drop of the hat. This was our son. A huge basket of contradictions. But he was worth it. He was worth all of the pain and of course all of the good times. I guess as I begin this journey I ask for prayer for understanding as the days and weeks unfold and I relive his life- our lives. I want to understand for my children, for my family, and for my friends not only how this happened, but to maybe prevent it from ever happening again.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Always
I was standing in the pouring rain
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face
What was I supposed to say
But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always
He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He's barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way
'Cause I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always
Friend I don't know where you are
And I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy
If there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got
And you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on
'Cause I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
Always, Always
He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you
This song was given to me today by God- just out of the blue- in a hurried busy day. This song is about my Jeffy. This song is about me. This song is about my family. This song is about all our lives and the choices we make. We must choose to always believe. And today- I am making that choice- to always believe in my Saviour Jesus Christ. I don't understand Jeff's choice to take his own life, but I do understand my choice to believe that God can use this to glorify Himself. We will find our way through this God and I....because I believe always.
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was taught and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face
What was I supposed to say
But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always
He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He's barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way
'Cause I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always
Friend I don't know where you are
And I don't know where you've been
Maybe you're fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you're crying out for mercy
If there's no hope left at all
If you've given everything you've got
And you're still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on
'Cause I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
Always, Always
He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you
This song was given to me today by God- just out of the blue- in a hurried busy day. This song is about my Jeffy. This song is about me. This song is about my family. This song is about all our lives and the choices we make. We must choose to always believe. And today- I am making that choice- to always believe in my Saviour Jesus Christ. I don't understand Jeff's choice to take his own life, but I do understand my choice to believe that God can use this to glorify Himself. We will find our way through this God and I....because I believe always.
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