Sometimes it frightens me to know that each and everyday I let a little more of you go with God to heaven. This journey has been so hard and such an uphill battle. I know- I know that you are already in heaven and that in reality, I should have given you up to him and not fought this process so much. But ...I ...couldn't...I had to hang on to you and my dreams for you. I have dreamt them since I first laid eyes on that big bright smile. And I know alot of times they were my dreams and not yours ...and I know that sometimes your many talents were your biggest downfall....but in you I saw everything that I had always wanted to be....lovable, cherished, talented, funny....Today I will let go of many things because today, you will never be a part of our being Thankful again.
Today I am letting go of ...
the fact that I will never see you become the olympic runner you were meant to be,
I will never walk into your classroom and watch you teach a group of naughty preschoolers,
the look on your face as she walks down the aisle and becomes your wife,
watching tears roll down your face as she delivers your first child while I watch from the sidelines,
waiting for you to come home,
and mostly watching you grow into the man that I know God planned you to be.
I know I should be happy that you are with Christ. But I am not. I selfishly want you here to experience all of the things that God has blessed us with since your death....
Dragos lived through a major seizure and is still driving us crazy,
Caleb called me "Duck" instead of Grandma,
Joshua is driving a "Stang", got his ears pierced, and Dad still loves him,
Timara is in "love" and dating and so beautiful,
Kayla had the twins Cullen and J'Lynn and they are awesome and she is a great Momma,
James has starred in a play and is really coming into himself and showing his "moves",
Lacey and Ben had Jesse come help with the ministry and watching them parents a "fast" Caleb...
and finally Jake and Tierney had their beautiful lil girl Amelia whom you would adore and have a beautiful marriage...
you missed it Jeff, all of these memories, all of your family and friends going on with life. Not because they want to but because they have to. And we will continue to go on, each holiday, each day for the rest of our lives. But never ever forget that we miss you in each memory, each moment, each day. For you my son, were always meant to be a part of this family- this life. And so you are...in our hearts forever.
Happy Thanksgiving Day Son....today as I make some memories...I will certainly miss you...
Love,
Always,
Momma
This month has been very tough for me. I am exhausted as another one of our children and grandchildren came close to death. It was a very frightening experience to realize again that in an instant you have no control over anything. I wanted to run, to hide, to bury my head in as deep a sand that I could find. But I did not. I went into the bathroom, got down on my knees and begged God for these lives. Begged Him to spare them and leave them with me. And after many hours..He did. I realized that I did not have that chance with Jeff, I wasn't allowed to beg for his life because he chose to take it. I realized, that in my mind, I thought if I was with my daughter in her greatest time of need, that I could somehow prevent any wrongness to happen to her. Sadly, i cannot. I am not God. Heck, I'm barely me. But what I can control is how I react to the situation; Whom I turn to, and how I let go. So now this journey is taking on a new issue...letting go...letting go of control, letting go of Jeff, letting go and letting God.
I have decided to let go of people in this life who make me feel that I am not allowed to have my own feelings or be who I truly am. It is too hard right now to jump through hoops and apolojize for my every thought or motive. I just want to "be"...Tim says I have to just walk away...
And finally, I have let go of the fact that I could have stopped Jeff because, quite frankly, I could not. I did everything I could to stop him. But he was going to do this regardless of what day and with what weapon. I know that now and it's okay. Am I sad? Sure. Will I have those dark days? Sure. But when I have those days it will be because my heart aches so for a child who chose not to be with me, but with Christ instead. It will not be because I failed. Despite what some lifesucking people have told me all of my life, I am not a failure...I may have had a few failures, but I , myself, am not a failure. And I will continue to prevent future failure until the day of Christ....
