A Guiltless Sign

Each day I do what I have to get through the day- and I do...mostly. But there are some days, the bad days, that I become so overwelmed that I cannot function. I understand that my son is dead. I understand that he chose to take his own life. I finally have come to understand that it wasn't my fault. But what I fail to understand is the whys....
Why did Jeff have to die?
Why did he choose to kill himself?
Why did he choose death over life?
Why couldn't he let us help him?
But mostly why did he do this to our family?
It is on these days that I find myself wandering to the cemetary to have a heart to heart with my God and my son. Not long ago, on a day when I was pretty sure I couldn't get through just one more day, that I had had it with God and this whole idea of living with suicide I went to the cemetary.
 The cemetary is quiet. It is lonely. But it is also a place where many come to visit their loved ones. Not that they are really there, but for some reason it makes us feel closer to the person we miss so much.
I told God that day, that I was dying inside, that the guilt was killing me. The awful guilt that many paople have made me feel. That I was somehow responsible for my son's death. People can be so cruel and through the course of Jeff's death- people have said many cruel things which I have been able to ignore except those directed at my parenting skills. Those comments have hurt me so deeply that i believe on some level that I will never recover from them. And it is with this agony that I went to my Lord and Savior and asked Him for a sign that this wasn't my fault. I begged Him really. I was sobbing on my knees on Jeff's grave, pulling weeds, trying to clean up my boy's only home.
Please, Lord, please...this cannot be my fault. It cannot be. I cannot mother anymore...I cannot function anymore...I do not want to eat or sleep....I do not want to laugh...I do not want to go anywhere or get outta bed or get a shower...I cannot even love... this is destroying me...totally destroying me...I am dying Lord, dying...do You care? Is this the life You want for me? I have to have a sign God...a sign from You...if this is not my fault than I want You to send me a person, right here, right now- who knew Jeff, who knew our situation, and I need them to tell me that Jeff didn't kill himself because of me...if You don't give me this sign- then I will dy inside...I already am...
And I wept. I wept so long and so hard that I could barely see. My face was buried in my hands and I was so overcome with guilt and grief that I hadn't even looked up. I hadn't even heard a thing.
And then I looked up. And there, sitting at the end of cemetary drive was one of Jeff's good friends, Dustin. He was on his motorcycle. He was there waiting. Just waiting. I hadn't even heard him. I didn't know how long he'd been there. I only knew he was there, and I knew that God had sent him.- sent him for me.
I wiped my face. I crept into my car. I drove to the end of the drive. Dustin came and met me. And I cried. "Do you know why you are here?," I said to him.
He looked at me with that soft, winning, boyish grin,"Well, it's been about a month and I felt like I just needed to come today..."
"Dustin, I prayed for you to come...you are an answer to prayer. I asked God to send someone to me that knew Jeff well and who could tell me that this wasn't my fault..." and I began to weep.
"This is not your fault...it never was. There was just something that was wrong...I don't know what. But no one blames you ...Jeff didn't do this because of you...he just did it..." and we talked and he shared and I felt the guilt lift and I felt God's peace and presence all around me. And as I spoke to this boy, this young man who was sharing about my son, I became so thankful for these friends of Jeff's who stood by him through thick and thin. I saw them not as children, but as people who may have kept Jeff alive for a couple more years. If it wasn't for these young people, Jeff wouldn't have survived as long as he did.
As I watched Dustin drive to have his time with Jeff, I left my time with him, feeling the first true peace I had felt in months. I asked God for a sign and He gave it to me...He gave me His undivided attention and love...I mattered to him. And it wasn't my fault. I am sure of that now. I made some mistakes and I'd come to grips with those, but the choice Jeff made was his and his alone. God uses many things to show us his love, but his use of Dustin that day was nothing short of miraculous. In fact, it was the miracle that truly saved my life....

I Saw God Today...saving Katie-Grace

By pessimistic nature I do not believe that a young child has the ability nor the comprehension to get saved. I've never agreed with the concept. And so when they have the invitation at the end of VBS each year I want to grab my little Katce and run for our lives. This outlook isn't without merit. Last year when Katce was sitting at the end of VBS listening to the prayer a girl grabbed her arm and said, "Come on Katie-Grace, if you come up and say the prayer...you'll get a Bible!" So Katce grabbed her hand and went on up to get her Bible. But there was a major problem halfway through the prayer when they told Katce she could go to heaven and live with Jesus...,"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN AND SEE JESUS! I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE WITH MOMMIE AND DADDY!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "AND YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DUMB, OLD BIBLE!" and she flung that Bible and ran into my waiting arms out in the vestibule. For weeks, even months after that Katce didn't like God, Jesus, or anything church related. If He was going to take her to heaven without her family then in her young mind...she was done with him. She was staying with us and that was that!
So this year after we sat and the preacher began to get close to making the prayer invitation, I thought, man, we need to be outta here....but something made me stay. Call it intuition. Call it curiosity. Call it what it truly was...GOD. Pastor began to preach and I felt my stomach knot up...if Katce wasn't receptive, Tim and I would spend another whole year trying to get our youngest daughter to love and trust God. I opened my eyes and watched her hold her folded hands tight and pray like she was truly listening. "Momma, you mean if I ask Jesus in my heart, I can go to heaven someday to see my Jeffy and Jesus?' she asked wide eyed in a serious whisper.
"Y-yes Darling, if you ask Jesus in your heart you can someday go to heaven to see your Jeffy and Jesus,' I answered through a choked up sob and nearly dying inside with emotion.
She clutched my hand and said so quiet and serious that I could barely here her small still voice, "Then I guess I better say that prayer. Could you help me?" She looked so innocent so full of anticipation that I started to cry.
Okay, Lord, give me the words and the courage...,"Say, Dear Jesus," and she whisoerd, "Dear Jesus,"...and we prayed the prayer together. "Let's go get my Bible," she yelled and grabbed my hand.
We waited in line, Katce smiling, me sobbing. Lord I cannot believe how you have used Jeff's death and now this. Thanks to Jeffy's death, my Babiest Girl is saved. She's saved. Jeff, she will indeed see you in heaven someday....

I Saw God Today

Just walked down the street to the coffee shop
Had to take a break
I'd been by her side for 18 hours straight
Saw a flower growin' in the middle of the sidewalk
Pushin' up through the concrete
Like it was planted right there for me to see
The flashin' lights
The honkin' horns
All seemed to fade away
In the shadow of that hospital at 5:08
I saw God today

I've been to church
I've read the book
I know he's here
But I don't look
Near as often as I should
Yeah, I know I should
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today

Saw a couple walkin' by they were holdin' hands
Man she had that glow
Yeah I couldn't help but notice she was startin' to show it
Stood there for a minute takin' the sky
Lost in that sunset
Splash of amber melted in the shades of red

I've been to church
I've read the book
I know he's here
But I don't look
Near as often as I should
Yeah, I know I should
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today

Got my face pressed up against the nursery glass
She's sleepin' like a rock
My name on her wrist
Wearin' tiny pink socks
She's got my nose, she's got her mama's eyes
My brand new baby girl
She's a miracle
I saw God today

I Saw God Today

I have, up to this point, written about Jeff's death and the tremendously painful grief that we as a family and I as a mother encountered. But out of Jeff's death has also come numerous blessings. The first being the many lives that Jeff's death saved; six people decided to come forward and ask for help and didn't committ suicide as they were contemplating. Secondly, the  two people who can now see because of Jeff's eyes being harvested. There were also many people whose lives were also saved due to all of the tissue that they were able to get from his body, his veins, etc. Thirdly, the awareness in the community about suicide, attachment disorder syndrome, as well as the healing and open communication that Jeff's death has ultimately brought not only to our family, but to his friends as well. I have to say I am very, very thankful to everyone who continues to step up for the people who are continuing to grieve for our son. God is working every single day to use this huge tradgedy by turning it into blessings. And so, as I continue this journey and I begin to actually heal and function, I would like to share my sightings of God as well as the sightings others have had. God has used many, many situations and people to change the course of Jeffy's suicide form horrific, to happiness. He has used two small children certain to die; to cardinal birds placed at the right place and the right times; to even a man on a motorcycle; and He has even used Jeff himself. And while many people will not believe these truths that I will write about, it doesn't matter...God is in control...He can do anything...He always has and He always will.......to God be all of the glory....