Jeffrey had asked to move home, finally he was coming home. We were nervous of course and a little frightened, but happy none the less. Happy to know he was safe and happy to see that beautiful toothy grin of his each day. But as the week unfolded, it became apparent that there was something deeply wrong with Jeff. He wasn't eating or sleeping, and he was crying much of the time. In that week he and I began a journey of our own. He was able to verbalize some of his fears some from early childhood. He begged me not to make him go to college- he said he just couldn't do it- he just couldn't grow up. Could he please stay? Would I help him find a job? Could he go and stay with lacey and Ben for the summer- to be a part of that ministry- could we help him find his way? So that week I made all of this stuff happen with the help of prayers and friends. He would be okay- he had a great future ahead of him...did he know that? Together we would get him help. So with in a week his life was set and all that he wanted would come true....
He told me that he had always wanted to come home- that so many people kept getting in the way. I told him that that's how his Dad and I felt- that well meaning people tried to take over and parent him when they knew nothing about him or his past or his needs. He said he felt the same and that he would've come home before college ever started at Cornerstone. But people didn't stop butting in and they didn't let us parent our child. To be truthful I still have alot of animosity for those people because I lost a horrendous amount of time with my son. There is a reason Tim and I chose to parent Jeff and there are reasons we were chosen to parent him. There are homestudies and certain criteria that we had to pass to adopt a special needs child like Jeff. But those people chose to step in and step up and what they did was step on our toes- heck they stepped on our shoes and kicked the legs right out from under us. I want to ask them if they knew he was scared out of his wits to go to college? Did they know he would steal, cheat, and lie when he was scared? I want to ask them if they knew that when any change took place in his life he would run? Did they know that he hated being known as a great athlete and not just Jeff Burd? Did they know he needed us and the stability of our love- the only stability he'd ever had? Did they even care? Of course they never knew that- they never asked. They never asked him and they certainly never asked us. So we sat on the sidelines for 2 years and watched our son ruin his life and make awful mistakes that could be forgiven but never forgotten. I know I sound hateful, but truly I am more resentful. I think before you ever step up to parent someone else's child, buy them a phone, give them a place to live, or give him an opinion on how we should've parented him- you may want to find out a bit about the child from the family that stepped up and took him out of the system to start with. I just didn't get pregnant and hope for a child- I chose this child- I knew what and who I was getting when I got him. AND I GOT HIM...He was my son and he will always be my son....because while you were in his life for a short time- I brought him home from NY. I raised him for over four thousand days. I watched him run away three different times. I brought him back. It was me he came home to before he died. And it was me who found him dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound, blood everywhere on that final day. You were not there- it was me and my heart was and is broken....your life will go on, but mine will forever be tainted with the knowledge that the child I chose to love, I chose to help, is gone from me forever ......
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