Always My Amy

Jeff's sadness continued. He began to follow me from room to room, wait for me when I went into the bathroom, sit outside of a room when I was in it with the door shut. He was in essence back to his toddler years needing to know where I was every moment of the day and it frightened me. I knew that he believed that his sadness stemmed from his break-up with Amy. Out of the blue Jeff broke up with her. There was no real reason for it- except that he told her he just wasn't good enough for her. Then when Amy began to believe that perhaps they both needed a break to "find" God's purpose for their lives- Jeff wanted her back.
When Amy held steadfast about the break- Jeff's depression worsened. Amy had seen what we saw all of jeff's life- a lost little boy who needed help, who needed his family, and so she set out to do the hardest thing she'd ever had to do- give the man she loved back to God to fix. I believed they would work it out in time. I believed that he was just a lovesick young man, but I was wrong...so very wrong...

Ever since I met Amy- she was the daughter of my heart. I adored her. her infectious smile, her little giggles, the way she could light up a room by just dancing acrossed it all made me love her. When Amy was in preschool- I fell head over heels in love with  her and nicknamed her "Amy Do-Da"- I don't know why, but God knew. For our God had a very special plan for Amy in my life- I didn't know it then, but I certainly know it now. After we adopted Jeff, I began to see how Amy watched him- and while he treated her like a little sister because they were so young, I could see that Amy believed in her small heart that Jeff "hung the moon". He could do no wrong. It wasn't until later in highschool that I saw Amy watching him again with eyes so full of love that I began to secretly pray that someday they would marry and begin a family. When I suggested Amy to Jeff as possible dating material, he shrugged me off and said, "Mom- Amy's my friend- I can't screw that up...". So I sat back and watched as he dated a few girls and remained unhappy, but in my heart- there was always my Amy.
You cannot imagine how elated I was when I realized that the two had began dating. Although our contact with Jeff at that time was limited, I knew that Amy was a born again Christian and that her family went to a good established church. Jeff was seeiing Amy and going back to church and that was good enough for me. So, I kept my thoughts to myself, but prayed and hoped and dreamed for Amy to be a permanent part of our lives.
Jeff could not get passed his break-up with Amy. He could not accept that sometimes love takes time and God needs time to shape and mold all of us into the people He intends us to be. Jeff wanted what he wanted and he always wanted it now and what he wanted was Amy. And with each day the saddness began to get worsen. The reality that he would have to wait and work and hope wasn't something he wanted to do, afterall, he was the great Jeff Burd. Everything came easy to him. He said he couldn't take one more person rejecting him. He just couldn't. And so he began to do everything he could to see her, call her, and talk to her. he began to be obsessed with her. Jeff began to stalk Amy.
It was at this time that Tim and I began to suggest to Jeff that he needed to talk to someone. He rejected the idea every time saying that I was enough and that I could help him. So when I finally got him to agree the day before his death that if we went to our family physician, perhaps he could prescribe something that would ease his tension, help him have an appetite, even sleep, etc. I was thrilled...finally...a step in the right direction. I was sure that this time he'd be alright. I was sure my son was about to embark on the greatest healing journey of his life. I was thrilled that I was to be a part of it....and I was terribly right....