A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Every mother's worst fear is to lose a child and I have lost eight. I have suffered seven miscarriages and the suicide death of my oldest son Jeff. Jeff- our hardest child to raise. The one who we knew had emotional problems. The one who was old enough to know his parents walked away from him to do drugs, but too young to ever understand. The one whom every single life change good or bad was a constant struggle. The one who lied, cheated, and stole from the first day we brought him home. The one who didn't want to be adopted. The one who just wanted his bio dad to love him and come back for him. The one who was scared of the dark, could never sleep, and slept with a weapen.The one who could never believe in himself. The one who would destroy anything good in his life. The one who never ever understood the depth of our love for him, our committment to him, or even our sacrifices for him. The one who would tell a counselor what they wanted to hear, but never got to be heard himself. Jeff- our most amazing child. The one who could be more compassionate than we knew ever existed. The one who could try any sport and succeed and succeed well. The one who never needed to study to get "A's". The one who could stay up all night and be with you if you were ill. The one who would bottle feed his sister every night. The one who would finally crawl up on my lap for love exhausted after fighting all day to figure it out. The one who I gave up my life for. The one I would have stopped and took that bullet myself if it meant him living a full life and being the beautiful man I know God intended him to be.The one who would help anyone at the drop of the hat. This was our son. A huge basket of contradictions. But he was worth it. He was worth all of the pain and of course all of the good times. I guess as I begin this journey I ask for prayer for understanding as the days and weeks unfold and I relive his life- our lives. I want to understand for my children, for my family, and for my friends not only how this happened, but to maybe prevent it from ever happening again.