Jeff's "Baby" Sister

The day passed by rather slowly and we were all exhausted. People came and went and I remember thinking that I couldn't believe just how many people truly loved my son. As the day came to an end, Grandma Hill dropped off Katie-Grace to us so that she could have her own private visitation. I dreaded this. Telling her that Jeff was dead was already a huge situation for her little mind to comprehend, but to have to show her his body was, quite frankly, heart wrenching. She was quiet and frightened as Tim held her close to his heart. Everyone looked on as we made our way to the casket. That dreaded casket- the one that made me want to freak out every time I laid my eyes on it and it's occupant.
"Is that Jeffy?" she asked timidly almost inaudibly. Tim nodded and I began to stifle a sob. "But I thought he was living with Jesus in heaven...." her little voice trailed off again as Tim held her close. Tears began streaming down her face. "I want him to get up now...could we wake him up and take him home now?" she begged to know. Could we...could we please- I really want that too. How about we both just get in there and get him out and take him home to his bed.
But all that came out of Tim's mouth was, "This is Jeffy's body. It is here so we can say good-bye to his face. I know it's hard to understand, but Jeffy loves you and misses you and it will be okay. Do you want to talk to him?" Yes, yes I'd like to talk to him, I'd like to run right up and hold him and love on him and beg him to stop this dead stuff and come home. Katce just held her Daddy and cried. We stayed there while she asked questions for a few minutes and then Tim said it was time to go home.
"No Daddy," she began to plead, "we cannot leave Jeffy alone!" That's right Tim, we cannot leave Jeffy here alone! "He's scared of the dark and cold and he won't like it! We have to take him home, please Daddy! Please don't leave him here.....I want him to wake up...I want him to hold me...please Daddy...Jeffy needs his blanky...." You are right Baby, let's just take him home and get him a blanky. he'll wake up and we'll be okay and he'll hold us and everything will be okay...could we do that Tim? Could we?
"it's okay Baby, Daddy will make sure that Mr. Daniels will leave the light on for Jeffy and take care of him," I assured us both as I spoke and smoothed her brow. "We'll bring Jeffy a blanket to cover up with tomorrow and then he'll be warm...." my voice trailed off as I tried to reassure us both.
She began to sob as we left and begged Tim to let her stay. She was saying everything I felt...sort of scared me to know that she was feeling what we were feeling. Guess she should, she'd been through a lot with Jeffy and she loved him so much. She never ever gave up on him even when I did....
 When Katce's birth mother came to us and wanted us to take Katce, our kids jumped right on board and rallied like they always do to help someone in need. Each child did all they could to step up and help, but no one did more than Jeff. He was so protective of the birth mother even that he got into a fight at school when the father of the baby began to brag what a "slut" Katce birth mother was or how he'd "bagged her". Jeff was ready to annihilate because he knew that the birth father had harmed Katce's bio mom and Jeff knew that she was forced into the situation. And so although he was uncomfortable with his feelings, he fiercely protected the mother of his new sibling from the moment he knew that she was carrying his baby sibling until the day of his death.
It was no surprise to me the unabashed love that Jeff had for Katce even from the very beginning of her life. He adored her and she adored him. He held her, changed her, burped her, and even cleaned up her baby puke. I remember waking up in the middle of those first few nights at home with her, and being in a panic because she wasn't in her bassinet. I tor down the stairs to find Jeff all curled up around her, feeding her a bottle, crooning a sweet melody. Tears fell down my face with pride with this child who barely kept his room clean. And so it was from that day forward that Katce was Jeff's exclusive lil sister. He got up every night to take her 3pm feeding, even on school days- he didn't care. There was something about her that his heart just ached to be with her and since I had never seen him so taken with anyone or anything- I was ecstatic to see him like this.
When Katce became ill with meningitis and we were uncertain that she would live or die, Jeff came and spent the night with me at the hospital. He began very scared and quiet. He was jumpy and couldn't even stand to touched her with all of the tubes that were hooked up to her. He was so frightened that when we got home, he'd hardly speak.
It was then that Jeff went out that night joy riding and stole our car. He would get so scared of life and the changes that he couldn't control that he got into our car, started it with stolen keys, and left unbeknown to us. He later got pulled over by a police person and Tim had to go get him. But that was Jeff. He was afraid to face hard times and good times. He couldn't control the situation, but he could run, and run he did. That became a serious pattern that he would repeat many, many times in his life. And one that we couldn't ever seem to break him of.
But after Katce got home, his love for her never faltered and neither did his fierce protection of her. Even when he moved out that awful day, he always checked on her and she always ran to him. She was his baby Sis and he was her biggest brother. People say that Katce will get over this in time, but I do not believe that she will get over it or forget. I believe that had Jeff known how he would have hurt these kids that he wouldn't have killed himself because despite his temper or his sometimes ill treatment of them, he loved them. He loved his Katie-Grace. When Jeff took his own life, he took a lot of things, but he couldn't take one of the basic elements that we will need to escape this nightmare- he couldn't take our love for him. He couldn't take Katce's and he couldn't take mine, Tim's, or the other kids' and I will help Katce remember the brother who adored her more than she'll ever know....