One Last Look

The car rounded the corner and it was a frightening display. We were over a half an hour early and the parking lot was already packed. Packed with so many cars that I'm sure you could hear the crickets chirp everywhere except in that church parking lot. The feeling to flee was overwelming simply overwelming. I could feel my heart pound and I glanced over to see Tim grow stoic . We parked the car, took Katce to her bio-Grandmother in the nursery, and fled down the stairs passed Jeff's open casket down to the "family" room.
The "family" room was packed. Honestly, I knew we had a lot of family, but never ever, did I know that we could pack a room like we did that day. It seemed stifling to me. I didn't talk, I didn't acknowledge one single person in fear of falling completely into an abis of insanity. I walked to a far back room, shut the door, and I sat there as Lacey nursed Caleb. Caleb, my grandson, my pride and joy. Joy. There in that small corner was joy. Finally there was joy somewhere in my life. And I watched him and I watched her and I clung to the joy that I had as she nursed my small little grandon, who was so dependent on her for every aspect in his life.
I heard cries, actually wailing , and I opened the shut door just a crack to view the scene now taking place outside in the "family" room. It was the kids bio-family and there was alot of them. Aunt karen was cryin and clinging to Tierney and asking about me. She hadn't had a chance to embrace her sadness with the children and ii couldn't do anything, but shut the door and hide. I couldn't go to where she was emotionally. I couldn't because if I did I would curl up in a ball and never return to reality. This reality, bad as it was, was better than no reality at all. I peeked out again only to see a man that I didn't recognize among them. Could it be the kids' bio-dad? Surely he wouldn't be so bold as to come here onthis day of all days. he would be breaking the law- be in contempt of court. I drew back into the room.
Tim came in and said without me evening telling him my thoughts, "No- it is not him. It is an uncle." Relief washed over me and I wept in Tim's arms. "Come on...you need to come out here...it's about to begin..."
Scott began to tell us what to expect from the days event, where we would go, how we would get there, but I heard nothing, I only saw the intense grief all around me. Why- why did you do this? Don't you know that this is real? That this irrevocable? Why, Jeffrey, why? They were pulling my arm- telling me I had to say good-bye to Jeff before they closed the casket. The crowd cleared and I felt like I was the head of some morbid parade. I didn't want to say farewell- farewell to my son, farewell to him in front of a million people. Katce was in my arms now and we were covering up Jeff with the quilt so he would be warm. I didn't know where the other kids were, I didn't know anything except this certain, sick, shakey feeling that began at my head and trembled down to my toes.
"Jeffy won't be cold now Momma when he goes to heaven?" the quiet, little, mouse voice whispered as she buried her head in her Daddy's chest.
"Yes Baby, Jeffy will be warm now," I insisted, but really feeling that it wasn't quite true. They were taking her away ...they were ushering me away from him.
No...no...NO...I could feel my heart breaking. We are not doing this. I am not doing this. I rubbed his lil head and I held his lil hand and I begged him to get up, to wake me up from this bad dream ! Please don't make me do this..please ...You can do anything...heal him...heal him for me...or take me...take me instead...I could feel the urge to crawl in with him- to curl up into a coil like a snake and strike at anyone touching him. This was my child, my one last look at him and you're stealing me away. I can't let go...I can't say good-bye. i began to choke on the overwelming emotion. I began to sob and throw up tears as if I was an insane sprinkler system. Tim cliutched me and I hid like a battered child behind his large body and I clutched him and he literally held me up as I walked away- away from my son- away from his lil head- his lil fuzzy head- his sweet soft smile. It was so hard- so very hard- and that smile is etched in my memory as vivid as if it were today.

"Oh Baby, you're just a scared little boy," I said to him as he crawled on my lap his awful tenth grade year.
"Yes, " he wept and I held him as he sobbed and sobbed. And it was alright. He was alright. For two glorious years there was hardly any depression- hardly any moods. I should have held him forever. If only I had known. If only I could have prevented this. But I didn't and now he was gone- that wide toothy grin gone from my life forever....forever is such a long time even today....