I couldn't look around...my eyes were full of tears and I was petrified. I couldn't see my kids. I couldn't see Trudy. I could only clutch Tim's arm and try to keep standing. I could see that we were almost to the front, but how I got there I'll never know. Run...run fast and run far! Yell...turn around and yell! Tell them that they should have listened! Tell them that you told them he needed help! Tell them that if they would've left him alone and let you mother him that it would be okay now. He wouldn't be dead. You wouldn't be here.
We sat down...and waited. waited for them to bring up the casket. Waited fro my sons and Cody to carry Jeff's body. I sobbed. And then - Tim sobbed. And I died inside with each shake of his body. See what you did? If you would've tried harder. Chased him longer.Why? Why can't we go back? Why can't we have a do over? We tried so hard and no one knows how hard. And we tried for what? For this? For this death...he would've rather been dead than be alive with me? I suck...I must really suck.
I stole a glance at my now seated children who were not glancing back. They were in so much pain and I couldn't change it...heck, I couldn't even stop wallowing in my own self pity to help them.
Pastor Matt stood up and I watched him struggle to maintain composure and for the first time in all of this mess...a joy began to spread over me. A prayer- a true prayer flooded my heart and I begged God to help this man deliver a eulogy for a child whom he adores. Pastor Matt's loss was a great one and he wouldn't get through this funeral with out God. He wouldn't be able to be used as a useful tool for God if he didn't have a huge amount of prayer....and so for the rest of the funeral I began to pray for everyone involved. Jeff's life needed to stand for God. Jeff's testimony could be a thread for countless others to be saved. So as Pastor Matt began to speak...I spoke too...and the heaven's were opened...
Pastor Matt had been an influential part of Jeff's life since we moved back to Michigan in Jeff's freshman year of school. I'm not exactly sure why, but I can only guesstimate that it had alot to do with the similarities that Matt saw between himself and Jeff. Jeff adored Matt and he knew that Matt was always in his corner. When Jeff could not speak to us or open up...he could open up to Matt. And while in Matt, Jeff had a pastor, mentor, and friend...Tim and I had a trustworthy man of God who could and would help our son. Many, many times when Jeff was struggling- it was Matt who was able to mold him, and make him into that young man that God intended. It was Matt who could teach Jeff a lesson with a mere life application and Jeff would get it and grow and Matt would move on to teach Jeff whatever God showed him. Jeff never ever forgot that Matt was in his corner and he knew that no matter what, Matt would stand by him and help him and petition God for him.It was Matt who taught Jeff about sportsmanship. It was Matt who taught Jeff about winning his peers for Christ. It was Matt who continually pulled Jeff out of the fire much of his high school years. I honestly believe that if Jeff hadn't had Matt, that we may have lost him to suicide his sophomore year. But Matt never quit on Jeff. Tim and I would argue with Matt, disagree with him, but Matt stood firm and he would continue to fight for what he believed God had in store for Jeff. Such a struggle for a pastor so young, such a great task, but Matt lived up to it time and time again. I was grateful that Matt was there for Jeff, grateful that Jeff made amends with Matt after Jeff had walked away from their friendship for a brief while, grateful that Matt stood his ground with Jeff, but still made him see that he loved him as did God. But mostly I was grateful that Matt stood on this pulpit, flooded with love and sadness for a young man whom he fought to keep alive in both life and Christ. Matt's job today would not be easy. He would not be able to do it alone...but he would do it. he would do it for Jeff's memory, but more importantly he would stand up there for a God whom he loved more anything else. A God whom brought him to his knees and he would use this opportunity and this awful death and he would win kids to Christ. Jeff's life and death would not be in vain....not as long as Pastor Matt's faith was in charge...
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