Jeff's Dad

They began to play the photos of Jeff's life and everytime a new phot came across the screen, memories flooded my very soul. And with those memories came great joy. JOY. Joy- a novel concept, something that had been missing since all of this happened. Tim was sobbing now and so I held him close. I could feel the bruising as he clutched my arm during his sobs. So hard for him to let go of Jeff..always was. Tim could never ever give up on one of his kids, but especially Jeff. Tim had wanted Jeff to be his son long before I had any clue what life had in store for me as a mother...I guess when you pray for an addition to your family, that you should really be quite specific.
I remembered the internet photo caption read, "This boy needs a Dad!" and Tim was sold. He was ready to adopt Jeff then and there, but not me. I was frightened to the core. "Are you kidding me...adopt five kids?" I truly believed Tim to be insane. How could a white family from Michigan even begin to parent a bunch of black kids from New York. But after several attempts to sway me and me acting like a scared brat for a week- that's exactly what we did. We met, fell in love with, and adopt those kids. They were great kids and so easy to love and Tim was an awesome dad. Even to Jeff, but especially to Jeff. Jeff was so hard to parent. Hot one minute and cold the next. But Tim had a way with him and he never gave up on Jeffrey. No matter what Jeff did...Tim couldn't walk away and he always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Even when Jeff committed three misdemeanrs in his sophmore year...even when he smacked around his siblings...even when he ran away...even when he said he hated us...even when he said he wished we'd go to hell...Tim never gave up. He just couldn't - it's not in his character.
But the pain I felt in this man today was that of a broken man who could never ever forgive what Jeff had done this time. Tim had tried so hard with this son. He'd drove him to games, changed schools, went to practices, worked overtime to provide the best of everything, studied with him, reasoned with him, begged and pleaded with him, and even moved our entire family back to MI when Jeff was getting into trouble in NM. But taking his life, his own life  was something that Tim couldn't or wouldn't forgive. Jeff's life was a gift from God, and Jeffrey's walking away meant that his life had meant nothing. If anyone knows anything about my husband, it's that he is a terrific father and he truly feels it is his mission to be a father to the fatherless. And now Jeff had taken that "life" and snuffed it out and in the process, snuffed the life out of Tim as well. I didn't know what to do except hold him and love him. I tried to be aware of the children. But all I managed to do was be aware of Tim and his profound soorrow- an angry sorrow that still exists to this very day.
Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad and that someone special is my husband, Tim Burd.
How would he deal with this profound hurt in the months to come...I could only wonder. But as the funeral moved on and I still felt a steady peace and joy...I began to truly understand the pain of others as Sarah stood to sing....