Out of Control

We were ushered out of the church so fast that it made my head spin. There was absolutely no time to even realize what had just happened. The vans pulled up and we got in. I don't know where all of my children were- but they were not all with me. That continued to bother me horrendously throughout the next minutes, days, and months. The knowledge of knowing exactly where they were at every moment was an and is an absolute- a protection mechonism that somehow if I knew where they were- I could protect them from this death. The ride was horrible. How does one ride to the buriel plot of their son? How does one even wrao their mind around that. I didn't know. I felt like a caged animal. My children were so into their grief that I couldn't reach them. The isolation from them so complete that I felt incomplete. This was all happenening too fast. How would I ever overcome this? What if I couldn't?
The cemetary was packed and it was cold. Pastor Matt began to speak. His mouth was moving, but what was he saying. I wanted these people gone. I only wanted it to be our family. How had this gotten so far out of control? Where did all these people come from? Where were they this past week? Why didn't they help me help my son? They said we have to leave...oh no...I cannot leave him...I cannot put him in the ground. I could feel myself coiling up into the fetal position inside. I will die from this. I know I will. They will not let me hug the casket. They will not let me comfort my children. My life from here on in is over. I am dead. I have nothing. I have failed Jeff and now I have failed them. Why God? Why? Why make all of my dreams come true just to crush them.
My children were quietly making their way back to the vans and I was stuck watching them suffer....watching from what felt like so far away.They got into the vans and the silence was so deafening. What had I done to ever deserve this from them. Why won't they let me mother them? I didn't understand. So as we left Jeffy in that cold, dark unmarked grave, we left everything I thought I was and evrything I believed that I would ever be and my life was never the same again...not even today...