The Treasure Box of Memories

I ran my hand along that box,
that held what's left of your life.
I fingered it with gentle love,
and my heart swelled up with strife.
How can it be- this is all that's left,
of the boy I loved so dear,
I shook my head, began to cry,
the memories so fresh and clear.

The first time that I met my son,
he was an angry little boy.
Life had stripped him of his love,
and left him pain not joy.
But in him I saw what  noone saw,
a scarred up little man.
I gave him all I had to give,
I did the best I can.

I placed my arm around his hurt,
I scared the monsters away.
I instilled in him a love for Christ,
and that in him would stay.
I took him fishing at the pond,
played hide and seek all day.
I gave him what a boy would need,
to grow into a man someday.

He was the best of boys you see,
and he was so worth the trouble,
I loved to watch him laugh and play,
but  was glad he wasn't double.
I loved him more than anything,
I wished that he were mine,
I missed so many firsts you see,
in my womb he wasn't inside.

The talent that this boy did have
no sport he couldn't do,
He'd throw the ball or run real fast,
his losses were so few.
The games we stood in rain or snow, 
we never missed not one,
we cheered him at the finish line,
he was our eldest son.

But winning wasn't what he sought,
to fill the void inside,
he needed to heal a hurt so deep,
where not even Hope abides.
So soon it became so very clear
that  something was not quite right.
He couldn't handle change at all,
and to him it gave a fright.

I tried to get him help you see,
the moods they were so bad.
But noone would believe my truths,
they thought he was just sad.
And so our lives became a game,
of what mood was he in?
Would our day be filled with fun,
or awful and so grim.

Then he began to run away,
from those who loved him most.
He stole a car, he stole from work,
nothing of worth to boast.
It wasn't long before his hate,
turned from him to me.
And I tried so hard to please him,
and be all he needed me to be.

And then it happened one awful day,
he raised his fist at us,
broke up our house and yelled and screamed,
to his family so unjust.
With all the courage that I had,
I yelled, "you must get out",
we couldn't take the hurt no more,
it's not what family's about.

He drifted in and out of life,
it lasted nearly two years,
I'd like to say there was some laughter,
but mostly there was just tears.
He'd come around from time to time,
but it would never be the same,
he could not forgive what we had done,
yet to this day it bears no name.

I think if he was left alone,
and allowed to figure his way,
but well meaning folks kept stepping in,
and in college he never stayed.
They bought him a car and he had a phone,
and didn't need us anymore,
they gave him every thing you see,
but it was us who knew his needs more.

So when the walls came crashing down,
he couldn't live up to their dreams,
all those folks where were they now,
he was coming apart at the seams.
He tried to do the best he could,
and a smile he'd try to muster,
but deep inside the hurt stayed there,
and his life it got too flustered.

It's hard to be a great big man,
when you're just a hurt lil boy.
He needed his mom and dad you see,
not a world filled with grown up toys.
And so my sweet, my eldest son,
began to die inside,
he hatched a plan to take his life,
and on that he could abide.

He came home to me that winter day,
and said he'd been so wrong,
he didn't want to leave again,
he wasn't feeling very strong.
He put his hand beneath my chin,
and said, "I love you Mom",
I held his heart, I stroked his hair,
I tried to remain so calm.

We thought we had him back again,
we thought he'd surely stay,
But he wasn't saying "hello" to us
but bidding us "good day".
We hold on to those memories;
the love the joy, the fun,
we had him back our lil boy,
for one brief and final run.

I went to get him that early morn,
thinking I'd get him help.
But when I got to his red car,
he'd killed his own little self.
I called upon our sovereign Lord,
I begged for his dear life,
but God had already taken him home,
he taken him from his strife.

We lived a nightmare from then on,
a week of hell on earth,
the funeral and the burial,
to me they were the worst.
To lay your child inside a box,
and try to say good-bye,
to never see his face again,
nor hear his little cry.

The nights they are so endless,
but the days they are much worse,
you place a smile upon your face,
but your heart it holds the curse.
You are the Mom of  that one kid,
who committed suicide,
 you wear an "S" brand on your clothes,
but burns you deep inside.

And so I touched his little box,
the one that holds his things,
I lay my face upon it's top,
and oh the closeness that it brings.
For it's all that I have left him,
the boy that I so loved,
His lives now with his Savior,
in heaven up above.

Sad Day...Mondays Are so Hard

A Broken Wing - Martina McBride

She Loved Him Like He Was
The Last Man On Earth
Gave Him Everything She Ever Had
He'd Break Her Spirit Down
Then Come Lovin' Up On Her
Give A Little Then Take It Back

She'd Tell Him About Her Dreams
He'd Just Shoot 'em Down
Lord He Loved To Make Her Cry
You're Crazy For Believin'
You'll Ever Leave The Ground
He Said Only Angels Know How To Fly

And With A Broken Wing
She Still Sings She Keeps An Eye On The Sky
With A Broken Wing
She Carries Her Dreams
Man You Ought To See Her Fly

One Sunday Morning
She Didn't Go To Church
He Wondered Why She Didn't Leave
He Went Up To The Bedroom
Found A Note By The Window
With The Curtains Blowin' In The Breeze

And With A Broken Wing
She Still Sings
She Keeps An Eye On The Sky
With A Broken Wing
She Carries Her Dreams
Man You Ought To See Her Fly

With A Broken Wing
She Carries Her Dreams
Man You Ought To See Her Fly

Some days I just wake up feeling sad.I feel this sense of dread that I cannot explain. It is an emptiness...a loss so dark and still that I cannot fathom how I will ever get out of it. Today is one of those days. Before my feet even hit the floor- the devil had an awful morning planned and if it could go wrong- it would and it has. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I miss him..I miss him so much. I want to hold him, see him,smell him, but most of all talk to him. I want to hear his voice....i don't even care if he is yelling...anything is better than nothing. I pray to God and he has this plan, but this awful grief keeps getting in the way. So today- today while the world is functioning all around me, I will barely get by. I will fight back the tears. I will pray noone says or does anything that will set me off. I will spend the day fulfilling my obligations and then I will flee to my home where the memories of him asre so strong that the tears will engulf me and I will succumb to this grief and cry until there is nothing left. My children will look at me dumbfounded...my huband will wring his hands, and I will be trapped once more inside a pain that I fail to understand, comprehend, or avoid. I think I will never do this again, but I will. I will do it again...and again and again....And I will live through. God will give me something tangent to hold onto...a smile, a child's success or failure...a broken situation that needs me...and for a while...I will live again as if Jeff never killed himself...I will function again- But life...life as I knew it- so sheltered and full of dreams is gone...leaving with this sense of reality that in a moments time...your heart can be crushed and stifled until there is no more...

You'll Get Through This...Martina McBride

Pull the shades down on the sun
Don't want to see the morning break to another day
I don't have the strength to face
Close the door and keep it shut
Lord this ache is just too much for me to take
How do I begin to pray

My way back to some kind of peace of mind
But then I hear love whispering through the darkest of times

You'll get through this
You'll break new ground
When you're lost within your weakness
Hope is waiting to be found
You'll get through this
No matter what it takes
I believe in you for heaven's sake
You'll get through this

When doubt starts tearing it
The faith deep in you don't be afraid
Just remember what I say
Nothing formed against you will succeed
As long as your hearts turn to me

You'll get through this
You'll break new ground
When you're lost within your weakness
Hope is waiting to be found
You'll get through this
No matter what it takes
I believe in you for heaven's sake
You'll get through this

Nothing formed against ya will succeed
As long as your hearts turn to me

You'll get through this
You'll break new ground
When you're lost within your weakness
Hope is waiting to be found
You'll get through this
No matter what it takes
I believe in you for heaven's sake
You'll get through this

Dear Jeffy she came to you today.....

She reached up and she took my hand,
and held on oh so tight,
I didn't have the heart to speak,
 I could not make this right.

"Mommie, I just have to know
where Jeffy sleeps each day,
does he live there all alone,
beneath that stone of clay?"

I watched her little tear filled eyes
look upon his silent stone,
and as we slowly came to it,
surely he must have known.

She laid her fingers on the etchings,
as if to touch your face,
her  hand so tender and so loving,
your little Katie-Grace.

She held the wilted flower,
I left for you last week,
it was so awfully quiet,
I dared not try to speak.

"Mommie, why couldn't Jeffy be better,
and come back with me to stay?'
My heart began to slowly break,
"Your Jeffy, he chose to go away..."

"See Sissy when he was a little boy,
someone hurt your Jeffy bad,
he never could be happy again,
and his heart it was just too sad."

She raised her so slowly,
 and gave up her little loss,
"Someday I'll go to live with them,
Jeffy and Jesus on that pretty cross."

And so your little Baby Sister,
the one you loved so dear,
knows now that you aren't coming back,
but now she has no fears.

For she will see you on that day ,
when Jesus calls her home,
and you can call her "Baby-Girl",
and tell her what we've known.

That life for you down here on earth ,
was filled with so much pain,
you couldn't bear to stay with us,
you had to avoid the rain.

I want you to know,
 as I took her hand
and led her on our way,
she never ever said "good-bye"to you, she only said "good-day".

For Jeffy, she remembers still,
your life, your love, your touch,
and always in her little heart, your love will mean so much....

Today, my little baby girl wanted to know if her Jeffy had a stone. Did he live under it? Was it pretty?  Was he alone? So I drove her to the cemetary and showed her where Jeffy stays. It was one of the most precious moments of our lives as she tenderly gave closure to this little uneasy grief that she has suffered the last six months. I felt peaceful as she teared up and loving, gingerly patted his stone. I felt relief as she held his cross and babbled about how much he liked them. But mostly I felt freedom that somehow, someway God worked it out for this sweet child to understand this mess. A mess that I still struggle with today....

See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.
(Matthew 18:10 ESV)

The Choice

For six months I have struggled, wrestled really, with the fact that Jeff chose to take his own life. The pain, the guilt, the whys, the hows, the unbearable unanswered questions- all of it consuming me until I myself began to wonder if this life and all of its unknowns and pains are really worth living. I have known for a while now that I was at the end of my rope both physically and emotionally not to mention spiritually. And then- then- on the six month anniversary of Jeff's death, the answers to my questions finally dawned on me. THE CHOICE.
Jeff made a concious effort to kill himself. He set the chain of events in motion. He spent the last four years of his life alienating his family from him. He spent the last two years of his life completely destroying all the good that was there. He came back to us and left abruptly several times. He walked away from all the people that mattered, who knew him, who could make a difference. He threw away all of his momentos of his childhood.Then, after everything was gone and he had nothing left. He came home. He gave this family one last week of the real Jeff- the man God intended him to be.He laughed. He joked. He smiled. He said his sorries. He gave me the best gift I could ever have...to be his mother again. He layed his head on my lap and I rubbed his lil boy head once more. He asked my advice. He asked for my help. But then he made a CHOICE.....He said his good-byes. He stayed up all night. He didn't eat. He left in the weee hours. He stole a gun. He drove to a friend's house. He pitched an ultimatum. He ran to his car. He put the gun in his mouth precisely where he knew he should. He agonized for a few moments...and then...he killed himself. That was Jeff's choice. I did not choose that for him. I did not want my son dead, especially by his own hand. But Jeff's choice wasn't about what I wanted. Jeff's choice was about what Jeff thought was best for him. It wasn't a good choice and God knows- it wasn't the only choice, but Jeff made the choice and he killed himself.
And on that day, that awful day when Jeff made his choice, I made the choice to go and get him and bring him home. It was not a choice made without reservation. I knew my son was ill afterall I had tried for four years to get him help and convince anyone who would listen- I knew he could harm me and others. But it was a choice I made because he was my son. He was one of my babies and I chose to rescue him that morning. Trouble was, God had already rescued Jeff. I believe that with all my heart as Jeff ran to his car, God decided that no matter what, Jeff was hell bent on taking his own life (he tried it before). The life that God gave him. The life that God had so carefully orchestrated and rescued him to to create our family. Jeff's life was more than a regular life- God had a supernatural plan for Jeff and gave him so many gifts that it still astounds me- even today. But God saw Jeff running and I know He said, "If you're really gonna do this, then let's just do it and you come on home Jeffrey". So by the time Melissa and I got there the choice had been made.
 And from that day on I made the choice to blame myself for Jeff's death. Even after God gave me a direct sign that it wasn't my fault. I chose to rehash and relive everyday with Jeff and revel in this misery of death until I was no good for my husband, my children, my family, my church, and my friends. I have let this death run my life every day for six months....until I too have contemplated suicide because I couldn't live with Jeff's decision to kill himself.
But then, in the quietness of the morning, in the stillness of  His Word, I made a choice to live - really live. To wake up each day and find the strength through my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to walk past this misery, past this death, and watch as my Children do remarkable things. See my Grandchildren smile at me as if I hung the moon. Reach over and hold my Husband's hand, still get butterfiles in my stomach, and know that together we can survive anything. Wait, watch, wonder, and marvel at all of these beautiful gifts I've been given and thank God everyday for His blessings and His mercies and most of all His grace. And then every now and then...me and God will go to a quiet place together, get out this awful painful hurt, and He and I will shed some tears, have a pity party- He'll listen and I'll bawl. And together God and I will get me through. And slowly ever so slowly, this hurt will heal and I will be who He intended me to be once more. Not who I was- I can never be her again, but a new Kari who is a little more wary of this world, and alot more aware of other's pain and the powerful need to fulfil my place in this life as a wife, mother, daughter, and friend....it's my CHOICE...

Dear Kari.......Love God

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel My love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no - one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel My love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in My mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
No, there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel My love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like Me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel My love, To make you feel My love

The Silent Pleas

As the months have passed I have tried to go on. I have tried to live this life as normal as I can. But the truth, the painful hard truth, is that I find I cannot go on. I cannot live with this failure in my heart. This failure that is so large that it is eating me up inside. There is a lump in my throat everyday. There are tears in my eyes because I cannot face life wothout him. I tried so hard to save him and noone would listen. Now I find I am trying so hard with myself and noone hears my pleas. My silent, deafening pleas for help. Life has went back to normal for everyone, but not for me. For me there is no life. There is a space in my heart that is dark and black and oh so bleak. People say, "You have to be strong for your other children!" But how can I when I have no strength left.
Jeff is everywhere here. He is in my basement. The soft, quiet lonely still basement that holds a treasure box that is filled with what is left of my son's life. He is on our livingroom wall. His pictures look at me with smiling faces that I cannot fathom ever held any truth in them. But mostly, mostly he is in my mind. I struggle every moment when something of him flashes through my mind. I am alone in a world full of people who do not understand. I am tired. So very tired of Tim, my children, and this life. I cannot meet their needs anymore because I am dying inside.- dying. I am pleading for help- begging God to get me through just one more day. And for what? For the constant reminder that I failed my son. That I failed to get him help. That I failed to see the depth of his anger that was really pain.
And why? Why did he do this? Was it really just one more thing to hurt me. Well, it worked. I am broken. I am more than broken. I am crushed to the very core. I am hanging on by a thread. Won't someone make this pain stop. This body is failing me so fast. I have no energy. I have no motive. I have nothing that makes this life a joy anymore. I tell myself I have these children, these grandchildren, this life. But as each day goes on I can see that I am a true failure in every sense on the word. I cannot remember things. Everything I do is wrong. People want so much and I cannot give anymore. I cannot do this anymore. There is no tomorrow...there is only today...this moment...and in this moment is so much pain for the child I gave everything I had to. He broke me. I am broken and I fear I shall never be fixed....never....
I thought getting the stone would help, but it does not. It is just a painful reminder that is real and he is never ever coming back. He chose to leave this life rather than be with us. I sucked that bad.
I thought going to see my grown children would help, but they are no comfort. They are so wrapped up in their own lives- their own grief that they cannot help their Momma- they can barely help themselves. Sometimes my friends see that I am losing it. And they hug me, but I want them to hold me...to take me in their arms and carry me away from here...away from this constant seering pain. I want to crawl inside of them and feel something, anything, but this. But they smile. They hug. And they go back to their unscathed lives and go on.
I tell everyone that I am living through it, but I am not. I am living in it. I am living around it. I am crying and sobbing and running so far and so fast that if I stop...I will curl up in a ball and die....I want to lay next to jeff one more time and rub his head and sooth his fears. I want to go to the top of the world and say, "IF YOU WOULD HAVE LISTENED- MY CHILD WOULD'VE LIVED!"
My body is here, but I am dying inside....just dying...the glass isn't half empty or half full....there is nothing in it anymore....Each time a child leaves my home, each day one of them gets sick, I am terrified they will die and with them a bigger slice of me will fgo until there's truly nothing left but a shall of a woman who had so many hopes and dreams for a family and children who are no longer the same. It will never ever be the same.
I need to get passed this to survive. I need to write out this pain and let it heal, but I cannot trust God. I hang on to Him and wait for the next tragedy to come and pray I can get through. What if I cannot? Will I succumb to insanity....I do not know....

So Tired

I am tired. Tired of fighting to keep my head above water. Tired of trying to make everyone feel better. Tired of trying to figure out what the heck happened and why. Tired of trying to help my family. basically, I'm tired of this life. Actually, I am tired of this death. I am tired of everyone making this seem like a huge remember Jeff love fest. I am tired of noone saying that what he did was wrong, hateful, and hurtful . I am tired of watching Katie-Grace die inside as she grapples to figure out this stuff that I can't even figure out. I am tired that Jeff never thought about her, or them, or us when he did this. I am tired that for alot of people this is over. BUT FOR ME- IT IS NEVER OVER. I see his death everywhere. In Katce's face, in there quietness, at his grave, in a song, in a photo, in my nightmares (that's if I ever sleep), in the anger on his face- I see it every moment of everyday. I am tired of trying to be happy and find joy. I am tired of waking upp and wishing I could go back to sleep. I am tired of never being good enough at this and tired of wondering if I really care. I am tired of needing God so badly that it hurts that I cannot forgive Him for what Jeff did. I cannot fathom why this pain has to go on, I see the rainbows, but I cannot holding up the umbrella in the rain. I am tired of getting up, breathing, being afraid, being paranoid, having life go on, forgetting stuff, wondering everyday for the rest of my life if I couldn't have done one more thing to stop this- one more thing to stop him. I am tired of not being able to control one aspect of my life and tired of trying to get antwhre, anytime, with anything. This is a huge bad dream and sometimes I cannot shake it. I am tired of being messed with, ignored, and unloved. I DID NOT DO THIS! I spent the whole last 2 years of his life trying to get someone- anyone to listen to me and HELP HIM! It isn't me who failed- it is a society, a system, hell bent on people's rights, but not so bent on protecting someone from those same rights. I stood over that car and saw the blood, the gun, the hot humid air, and I died with him too. I will never ever forget that awful day...but must I relive it everyday of my life....I am soo tired...