After a week of hard observations...God has lead me to write this ...however...it isn't intended for anyone in particular- just thoughts that have been on my mind. If anyone is offended, please forgive me as that is never ever my intent...
Somehow people believe that those of us who experience suicide especially that of a child, experience the same grieving process as those of a nonsuicidal death....totally not so...the fear and the guilt with a suicidal death is much deeper and never ends. Please do not misunderstand where I am coming from- simply know that finding your child dead from his own hand is not something that I will ever... ...ever get over and to expect this process to be over or want me to be joyous when someone dies because they are experiencing heaven is insensitive to my needs as not only a mother but as a person as well. While death in itself is horrendous, when a child decides to end their life, their life never comes to fruition nor do your dreams for that child. Those dreams and hopes don't die with your child...they are still hidden in your heart. To expect me to just pack up these hopes and put them away is as easy as burying him was- never to see his face again. You are wrong that heaven should hold joy for me. Heaven holds my child and the only way I can see him is to die...so do I kill myself to spend eternity with him- leaving eight other children and four grandchildren without me? So you see, while you may have grieved in your lifetime, you have not grieved a suicide. You have not walked in my shoes, and quite frankly- I pray you never have to.....
Today I learned a valuable lesson- that you really know who your friends are when the chips are down. I wrote a blog (the one above) a few weeks ago, that was spurred on by a few conversations that I had had with several people over a period of time. I had also spoken with a friend of mine who has actually experienced the death of a child by suicide and she totally felt the way I was feeling- that death of a suicidal nature is different then suffering a regular loss by death. The blog was about being judged. What I was asking for was compassion for myself and others who are experiencing this awful grief, but what I got was a total misconstrued, angry post from a woman whom I have looked up to in many times of my life. So now because of what I felt lead to write this woman has broken off a twenty one year friendship and I am left with the holidays coming up that we have to face without Jeff, and now dissention...oh how I dislike dissention...
Sometimes I wonder what people think when they verbally attack someone...or what happened to them they they think everything is about them and everyone is out to hurt them. Life is just too short for this game playing. why can't we just love each other for our opinions...I do not know...I cannot change who I am or how I feel for anyone...not anymore...I have realized that life is too short to chase my tail for someone else...I'm too busy chasing it on my own...
He see's me in the morning,
Lifting him out of bed.
The sun comes with little warning,
A brand new day's ahead.
To the kitchen for some breakfast,
A plate of toasted bread,
A cup of milk just as expected,
Close your eyes and bow your head.
You can thank him for anything you want to,
For the flower's and the trees
And pray,Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.
He's Mommy's little helper.
Learning to comb his hair.
And loves his baby sister,
Though he doesn't always share.
A quarter in the bucket,
A memory verse or two,
Although he may not know it,
He's beginning to follow you.
You can thank him for anything you want to,
For your Daddy and for me.
And pray, Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.
As we teach our Son to serve the Lord, in every way,
Lord the most important thing is this that we now pray,
Lord, we thank you everything you give us, but most importantly,
We pray Lord Jesus, make our Son a little boy on his knees.
Lord we thank you for everything you give us, but most importantly
We pray, Lord Jesus, make our Son,
A little boy on his knees.
We pray that someday he'll become,
A young man on his knees.
Lifting him out of bed.
The sun comes with little warning,
A brand new day's ahead.
To the kitchen for some breakfast,
A plate of toasted bread,
A cup of milk just as expected,
Close your eyes and bow your head.
You can thank him for anything you want to,
For the flower's and the trees
And pray,Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.
He's Mommy's little helper.
Learning to comb his hair.
And loves his baby sister,
Though he doesn't always share.
A quarter in the bucket,
A memory verse or two,
Although he may not know it,
He's beginning to follow you.
You can thank him for anything you want to,
For your Daddy and for me.
And pray, Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.
As we teach our Son to serve the Lord, in every way,
Lord the most important thing is this that we now pray,
Lord, we thank you everything you give us, but most importantly,
We pray Lord Jesus, make our Son a little boy on his knees.
Lord we thank you for everything you give us, but most importantly
We pray, Lord Jesus, make our Son,
A little boy on his knees.
We pray that someday he'll become,
A young man on his knees.
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