I stood there at the football game tonight and realized that I no longer fit in. I am not "Kari Burd, mother of all the kids"...I am "kari Burd, mother to the kid who committed suicide"...and really, truthfully that is how I feel inside too. Everywhere I go people are smiling and laughing and having a good time. Their lives have went on- they have forgotten. But I- I can never ever forget that Jeff is dead and that he killed himself. I cannot have a good time anymore- at least not for long. Jeff is everywhere. He is on that football field, being under utilized and smiling and shaking hands in spite of not playing. he is on that track, beating his opponents without really even trying. he is in the stands, crying brcause he doesn't want to live and is contemplating suicide. he is everywhere there. And, he is eveywhere wherever I look. And I am sad. I miss him so much. So very much that much that my heart aches. It is breaking you know. Slowly, ever so slowly breaking. I am lost, empty, and virtually alone. In a world full of people, in a room full of people, in a house full of people- I am alone. And I hate it. I hate everything about jeff's death. I hate what it has taken from me; him, my health, my trust, my happiness. I hate that I wake up in the morning simply waiting to go back to bed again at night. I hate that i am afraid to go places because I cannot control this sadness. I hate that I cannot stand for my cjildren to go anywhere because they may get hurt or killed. I hate that I die inside everytime they are ill because I realized I have no control over this life and they could not get better. I hate that people tell me it'll get better when mostly they don't know that it will. Honestly, how many people lose a child to suicide. I hate that I cannot feel when my husband laughs, or talks, or plans...I hear his voice, but my heart is void of emotion. And I hate that I want to die...truly die if the rest of thsi life entails living in this frightening grief. And I hate that I am still mad that noone would listen to me and get him help and that the do gooders that did help him only thrust him closer to death because he didn't need us with their help. But I think what I hate the most is that I cannot ever, ever say good-bye. I cannot have closure. Sure I know it wasn't my fault and I know that Jeff was ill. But I cannot say to him, "I love you and I would've given my life if yours was spared".
My heart aches to see his face again. My hearts aches to hear his voice. My heart aches to have one of those people who blame me for his poor life to come up and apolojize to me and say, I'm sorry...I didn't know. He was sick. You were right". Somehow that would validate all of those "tough love" decisions that I had to make.
But what I love is...that my children are here and give me reason to go on each day. That I have my friends who have always been there and never let me down. I love that my sister feel severy bit at a loss as I do and she helps me. I have my Katie Aronin who has more wisdom in her little finger than I have in my whole being. I love that I can go out to his grave and talk to him. I love that I have grandchildren. I love that I have an amazing church family. I love that I have a child who paints pictures with mascara, jumps in mud puddles with her church shoes, and dances naked in Walmart. I love that I have a husband who loves me and is my best friend and will wait until I can find my way again. But mostly I love that even when I cannot be who I am meant to be- I have a God who lets me throw a fit, walk away, and He still sits there waiting for me to run into His arms and bask in His comfort.
So now I know I will get through because like it or not I have to ...because I have still made a choice to live and live I will...
when she and edwin fell in love
she his touched his face and shook her head
indisbelieve and sighed and said
in many dreams i've held you near
no at last your really here
Where you've been i've looked for you forever and a day
Where you've been i'm just not my-self when you're away
he asked her for her for life
and she became a sales mens wife
he was home each night by eight
but one stormy evening he was late
her frightened tears fell to the floor
until his key turned in the door
Where you've been i've looked for you forever and a day
Where you've been i'm just not my-self when you're away
they never spend a night apart for sixty years she heard him snore
now there in the hospitle on seperate beds on different floors
clair soon lost her memory, forgot the names of family
she never spoke a word again, then one day they whelled him in
he held her hand and stroked her hair, in a fragile voice she said
Where you've been i've looked for you forever and a day
Where you've been i'm just not my-self when you're away
no, i'm just not my-self when you're away
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