I'll be Home for Christmas

I'm dreamin' tonight of a place I love
Even more then I usually do
And although I know it's a long road back
I promise you

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light beams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light beams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
If only in my dreams

Today I went to the store to get all of the children a Christmas ornamant as I do every year. And who,who do you think I found the first one for...you Jeffrey. Only this time it wasn't of a basketball player or a black santa...it was a precious gold, glittery ornament that I can place your photo in so that somehow when all of the kids come down the stairs on Christmas morning, you will be there hanging on the tree- a small part of our lives. But what will really stink is that no matter how hard we try- it will never ever be the same again. You will never be here for Jesus' birthday party. You will never ever be here for the Christmas Eve party with Grandma and Grandpa Burd. You will not hear Grandpa read the Christmas story. You will not eat Grandma's rolls. You will not watch as people crazily try to control their children as the gifts are torn open and the pandemonium continues. The laughter, the fellowship, the hugs, the love that is such an inherent part of who we Burd's are. And you will not be here.
You will not be here at 6am Chrustmas morning when Katce screams at the top of her lungs how "Santa has come" and to get up. She will not be able to crawl on your lap and cuddle in your stinky armpit. She will be lost. Hell Jeff, we'll all be lost. And we'll smile, and we'll pretend. But we'll all know- know that you are not here and will never ever be here again. This will be the hardest day without you yet. I do not want to eat Lacey's homemade cinnamon rolls without you. I do not want to have Grandma and Grandpa over for dinner without you or skype with Tierney and Jake and now Amelia without you.
But Jeff, what do we do? You have left us now choice.
The song says, "I'll be home for Chrustmas", but you are not here....yet in some strange way...I think that you are home for Christmas. You were never happy here on earth...not completely. There was always a piece of you that had been hurt and damaged and no matter how hard we tried- we couldn't fix it...happiness for you was unattainable.
But this year...this year...you are Home for Christmas...safe in Christ's arms and perhaps for the very first time, you will be happy...totally happy. I guess that helps some to imagine you with Christ under the tree, looking at all of the angels, having a huge celebration....I guess if I had to give you up that giving you up to jesus where you are finally happy and with no pain makes it worth it...at least for this moment...at least for today...