The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow I will go to church like I do every Sunday and pretend that everything is alright. Tomorrow I will fight back the tears as I sit next to my beautiful lil niece Mandy and I watch her become my parent and cradle me as I cry about every song that is sung and every word that is spoken. I will fight the tears with a huge lump in my throat,. My heart will pound as I pray for someone else's child. I will look pretty outside, but inside I will be a mess. I will see Jeffrey in each corner of the church and I will dread running into each one of his old friends. But I will go and I will do it because it is tomorrow, and in my tomorrows- that is what I do- what is expected of me.
The only difference about this tomorrow is that my children will sing their first Christmas concert without their brother listening and watching with his big toothy grin on his face. Even though I will see Jeffy in my heart and in my memories- he will not be there. And while I try to watch my other children perform, I will be watching Jeffy "not being there" instead of enjoying them.
I wish I didn't dread all of this. I started out tomorrow in the Christmas season by being so filled with the Christmas spirit and so overwelmed with joy that I just knew this was going to be the best Christmas ever. But as each tomorrow comes to pass, I am filled with torment and trepidation that I will not make it through another day. I want to yell. I want to scream. Wait! Wait! something is not right. Something is amiss. We cannot have Christmas without Jeffy. We just cannot. How will I fake this? How will I let this tomorrow pass with out completely falling apart inside this insanity called grief? I do not know.
I am frightened. I am frightened everytime I see people fighting in a store. I am frightened everytime I see or read of the silly disputes people have. I want to yell, "Do you not know that there may not be a tomorrow filled with peace and joy and hope?" People waste so much time on stupid things. They get angry at their loved ones and live without them on earth when they are really here to enjoy. How dare they? How dare anyone let the sun go down on their anger and waste this precious life being mad at their loved ones. I do not know. I only know that as I face tomorrow again without my son, that I would give anything, anything to have him back with me. I would give anything to hear his voice, to feel his touch, and yes even watch him walk away from me in his anger. When I lost him to suicide, I lost a piece of me that I cannot get back- a hole I cannot fill. And for some reason- I do not want it filled.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go to church. Tomorrow I will try to look pretty. Tomorrow I will open my Bible; I will study God's word and I will learn to get through that day without my son. Christ will help me overcome this next fear so that I may be ready for tomorrow again....
God help me...please.
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