Facing Jeff

The room seemed huge and long and scary. We inched our way ever so close to his casket- the casket we'd picked out just two days ago. It was nice- nice, what was I thinking? The closer I got, the more I could see Jeffy clearly. It was him...there he was...and my heart lept for joy. Some where deep inside myself I had crept. The closer I got- the more I began to see my little boy...not the one who had shot himself and was all bloody. But I saw Jeffy...my sweet little boy from so many years ago. I almost ran the rest of the way to the casket. I began to rub his little forehead and touch his smooth skin. "You see Tim- you see how Jeff looks so good?" Tim looked at me with intent eyes and just stared. I took his little hand and held it...and that's when I began to talk to Jeff as if he was really there. I began to cry- weep really, and tell him that I missed him so and that I was so glad that he was safe. I began to pour out all of the things I needed to tell him as I rubbed his little hair and caressed his little face. We stood forever it seemed and for the first time in three days- I could breath, and I could think and I could relax. I have my Jeffy back! I know- it sounds pretty far fetched right now, and really unrealistic, but to me- I could see him and that was good enough. I could mother him once again. I could sing and touch and caress my little boy. MY LITTLE BOY! I thought I had lost him, but here he was...just laying here and I could see him.....
"We have to go...Kari...Kari...it's time to go home now...", Tim said softly as I snapped back to where we were and why.
"No, we are NOT GOING...I am not leaving him..", I began to pull away...and the more I struggled- the more Tim pulled. "You cannot make me leave him ...you cannot..." and I began to really fight him. Now I've went a little bat crackers with Tim before ( when we lost Bill, our last child, my mother), but never ever had I lost my sense of reality. To me though this was Jeff and he was here and I was not going to leave my baby again.
"I'm not leaving him here in the dark", I began to sob....."Tim, you know he's scared of the dark and he's cold, and...." and I realized then that he was dead...alll over again the dread came back...the scary, uncontrollable grief. "If you just give me a minute", and I pulled my arm away from Tim...I caressed Jeffy one more time and I could feel myself once again being consumed by him. His beautiful handsome face. The one I'd laughed with, loved, wiped tears away, saw such joy in, angry frustrated faces....no I was going to pick him up and take him home.
 Tim began to pull harder..."No- I jerked my arm back....I'd rather have him at home like this than not at all....", I pleaded. But it was to no avail....Tim was going to make me leave. "then, you promise me that he will be okay....." I began to shake uncontrolably- "PROMISE ME!"
"I promise", he said gently....
 and so I walked away...I walked away from him again and it was killing me.... KILLING ME... and I couldn't stop it. I fled to the car...I don't know what I said or did to Scott... Tim began to drive home. I started sobbing and yelling," Oh, my gosh..." over and over and over...
This is all your fault...this is all your fault...I could hear it over and over in my head as Tim drove. As we drove and pulled into our driveway- Tim looked at me and screamed, "What is wrong with you? Why are you reacting like this..." Tim never ever yells- he hardly ever raises his voice and so I snapped back to reality once again.
"How am I supposed to react- I found him dead- and now he's here-" I started.
"Wait, what? You-YOU found him, but I thought that the EMT's found him and you just came upon the scene...." he looked at me like a lost little boy- like the failure that I already felt that I was.
"YES...Melissa and I came upon his car and he....he...was...he...he..shot...," and I blurted out the whole sorted mess to Tim in the driveway and he began to sob too. He was mad. Mad because he hadn't protected me from it. Mad because he hadn't realized what I saw and why the blood had such an imprint on my mind and body...Mad because Jeff did this and finally....Mad because he too may have failed Jeff.
And that's when I knew..I knew - that I had to survive this...that I had to get my "poop in a group" because if Tim was scared and guilty and mad then he was feeling everything I was. And there was no way I was going to let him go through this hell alone. I loved him too much. And he deserved better than he was getting from me. Maybe the other kids didn't want or need me right now, but Tim needed me. He'd seen me through the deaths of my husband, mother, four children, and alot of other stuff. I'd be dogged if I was going to let him down. And so I held him- I soothed him...I began to love and find my friend again. I began to summon up every mothering skill I had and mother my best friend and hold him and caress him...we would be okay...not great for now, but okay...better yet, I could survive this...I had to...because Tim...my Tim really needed me and I would never ever let him down. He was and is everything I could ever want in a man, but most of all, he is my best friend....and so I began to pray - really pray for my husband and children...I wasn't exactly talking on intimate terms with God, but I knew He'd take care of this husband and these children...I knew he would....