I have experienced many things with my littlest sister Melissa. I spent many years mothering her, bossing her, and protecting her when we were young. I made her eat her veggies, drink her milk, and change her underwear. I have planned her wedding, helped her birth her babies, and stood with her in the loss of our Mother. But I never ever believe that we would bury one of our living children together. Thoughout the last two years, somehow, and I don't know how- God has changed our roles and it has been she who has been mothering and bossing me. I don't know where she got her wisdom from because neither of our parents seemed to use their noodle too much, but Melissa has become one of the wisest women I know. She thinks before she speaks, stands for what she believes, and always always does what needs to be done whether I or anyone else likes it. And I hadn't realized just what doing the right thing had cost my baby sister until she came into my house shortly after Jeff died, scooped up Katie-Grace, and took her upstairs so that we could tell our other children that Jeff had taken his life by his own hand.
As we told them, I was very aware that she was upstairs playing with my daughter. I could hear her animated voice pretending to be happy and lighthearted, but in truth- I knew she had to be dying inside. because although many people do not know this, she took in my son, put her family on the line, and loved him when I could not and he would not allow me too. For many, many months she mothered my Jeff and it wasn't with out its drawbacks. Because much of that time we were at odds my sister and I. I was very jealous that it was her he chose to go too in times of trouble and her that he loved and hugged. And her that got the best part of him that I missed so desperately . But she would not give up on him. She would not walk away even if it meant losing me. Melissa knew he needed her and I think God knew she would need those memories of closeness with him to get her through finding him.
When she came down the stairs with Katce, I remember looking her eyes and seeing for the first time that she had not just lost a nephew that day (hard enough for anyone), but that she too had lost a son...my son...OUR son...and my heart ached for her. I wanted to help her as I had for so many years, shelter her from the pain of life that goes along with children in very disfunctional homes. I wanted to take "it" all away- buy her new school clothes, take her with me on trips, protect her from the "boogie man" of our lives. But this time- this time I couldn't keep the monster away- I couldn't even begin to try- because this awful monster- this "Death" had swallowed me up whole too. I hurt for her that day and in the days that followed because I knew that she knew what I had lost because she lost it too. We found him together and the memory of his car, his blood, his hand, the gun, the fear, the grief, the pain, the lost, the huge lost feeling that will never ever go away. It is a memory and a bond that I believe that God allowed to happen because there was an assurance that together we could do this....we could face this death and we would live through it.
In each step I take in this walk, she is there, with me, next to me, holding my hand. Somehow these roles have been reversed and she has become the older sister and I have become the younger one needing love and guidance and someone to shield me from this very real monster.
It hurts me that she hurts, it hurts me that Jeff did this to her, that he did this to me. But at the same time, it hurts me that we together, Melissa and I, cannot mother my son again, holding his hand, rubbing his lil head, and wiping away his tears.
We will get through this together she and I and at each step I will have a renewed love for her, a deeper respect for her, and a bond that not even death can part.
I love you baby Sister my lil Mobie (on our first Mother's day without him) I cannot even imagine having to have had to face that and these days alone. If I have to walk through this valley of shadow of death- I am grateful, so very grateful, that it is with you. For you have always been my greatest success....my baby sister...my friend...and I love you....
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