I have never slept well. I've never been able to get all that has to be done out of my mind long enough to let go and sleep well. But the nights went from ocassional sleeplessness to none at all after Jeff took his own life. I started to have nightmares the very minute that sleep overcame me and I wake up in a sweat. I would dream he was there and I couldn't find him. I would dream he was still alive but then discover he wasn't. I would just keep dreaming about him all night. But the worst part of the not sleeping was the sleeping and then waking up. I would open my eyes at the new beautiful day, stretching with amazing ideas of the day to come, only to get to that last stretch and realize that my nightmares were true and my son was dead. It was the worst feeling and it pretty much set the tone of the whole day. Tim wanted me to take something to make me sleep, but I'm pretty ditsy to start with and I figured heavy meds wouldn't be a great idea. So I would wander and cry. And cry and wander.The grief was so overwelming. The darkeness so overpowering...no Light could come. I seriously thought that it was going to eat me alive as well. All the questions, all the opinions, all the answers, all the planning, all the people...it was all bundled in my mind all night long.
And the night before Jeff's visitation was no different; except I had what noone else had and that was my best friend in the whole world...my Katie Ronin. Katie is a night owl, she is my daughter's mother-in-law, my Grandson's Nana, she is my protecter, my keeper of the secrets, my whatever friend. So every night when I was breaking down...I would go downstairs and Katie would be waiting for me on the couch to tell all of my hysteria to. She would talk and listen to me for hours and hours and never judge, never fix it, never pretend that it was going to be okay.
Katie knew it wouldn't be okay, not for a long while. She had been with me this whole, long dark road with Jeff. She knew how hard I'd tried, she knew how much I'd been hurt. When Jeff first began to be truly unstable and his moods worsened and changed from day to day and finally he left that day in August- I was crushed. Crushed to the bone and so tired. Jeff had sucked the life out of us for so long. We had tried to get him help. Tried to get him to see he needed help. But in the state of Michigan an 18 year old child doesn't get help unless he hurts someone or himself- (which eventually he did both).We had fought as a family to get him where he needed to be in college and get him started to adulthood only to be robbed of it by him and other "well-meaning" people. Tim and I were finally going to have a chance to see Jeff succeed and start a new life at Cornerstone, but Jeff walked away. In fact he ran away leaving a family full of scars and faced with a memory so permiated in our minds that we were reeling as if he actually had died then. My children were left crying, I had bumps and bruises. We had been put in a dramatic situation and people chose sides...it was awful- just awful. Oh, he went to Cornerstone, but he didn't want to and he yelled that to our whole family that day in August.. He hated to run. Hated to study. Hated to be away from home unless he was angry. He hated anything that made him a success. He hated rules. He hated people depending on him- depending on him for anything. He was very self destructive and would, could, and did ruin whatever good came his way- even our family life. And when he walked out our door and publically humiliated our family, and hurt us emotionally, physically, and spiritually- Tim and I felt like failures and worse than that we still kept trying to help him because we loved him so much- we just couldn't let go. We asked to get the charges dropped (which they wouldn't),. We begged the PA to get him some mental help. We even gave him money every month to get him through college. But all to no avail. The only thing I've ever regretted about adopting Jeff was that I couldn't ever have his "firsts"...his first walk, words, potty training, bottle...all of the "firsts" a birth mother gets. I couldn't function for nearly two months after he trashed us and left. My baby hated me- he told me so- he told everyone...many lies and not much truth...
So finally in the fall, Tim made some plans and I went to stay with Katie in Wisconsin. She met me at the ferry and I spent the most restful, peaceful week that I believe I've ever had. We didn't "do" anything...we just talked and talked and bonded. She made me feel at home in her home. It wasn't perfect. But what she had she shared and I loved her for letting me into her world when mine was in such a mess. That's how Katie feels- she feels like home wherever she is and wherever you are with her. That was how Katie was and still is.
So it was of no surprise to any of us when she hopped in her car and drove the six hours to be with me. And that what she was- Katie was with me. She made sure that I was taken care of every minute of everyday. She protected me from people who made me nervous, fielded my phone calls, and just stayed with me. many years ago my friend lost her cherished husband to cancer very unexpectedly and spent the next sevreal years in grief recovery so she had a pile of info just stored up to relate to me each night I came to her.
And come I did. The night before Jeff's visitation I was as frightened as I'd ever been. "It's all my fault...I should've tried harder..." and I ran to her and wept....just wept. I got no sleep- so she got no sleep...
I wish I had words to describe how much I love her and I wish now today that I could get on that ferry and go and see her now. I am so emotionally exhausted. I am frightened. Frightened that tomorrow will come and it will be much like today. Awkwardness feeds every dreaded moment that I have to leave this house. The words that are said."The how are you doings?" and my fake, "We're getting through"...When what I really want to say is, "How do you think I'm doing...my son just came home and I mothered him and loved him to my heart's content for a whole week and then outta the blue, he killed himself. I can't sleep. I can't pray. I am empty emotionally. Every song that comes on reminds me of him. I am afraid. I am alone in a room full of people. I need to lay on the couch and cry at least five days a week. I need a quiet place to rest my head. I need my mother. I need a break from a life that has frightened me so much that I cannot even wrap my heart around never seeing my son again. I need to see him. I need to rub his little head. I need to sing his lullaby. I need my Katie Ronin- my Bff...the only one besides Melissa who truly gets it and me...."
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