Loving Jeff

We had to go in to the Tobias' home and get grilled by the medical examiner forever. It was excruciatingly hard and I found myself wanting to scream at him and say, "Really...is this really necessary?" But of course we answered all of the questions as truthfully as we could. he even asked if Jeff was hispanic over and over...I mean the kid was a s black as night- I don't know if he was color blind or what. Was he depressed? Did he talk about this before? Did he leave a note? Questions that were running through my head too- if I knew the answers- I'd have sure shared them. The ride home for Tim and I was awful. It seemed like it took forever. I kept wondering if this was a dream and would I ever wake up. And then as we drove...Jeff's life ran before my eyes and I realized....it was my fault...all of this was my fault. I didn't try hard enough. I practiced too much tough love. I should have never let him leave and begged him to stay two years ago...Oh no...OH NO... I failed him. I failed Jeff so much that I lost him forever. And so the guilt began- the same guilt that would continue from then until this very day...

Loving Jeff was the hardest task that I had ever been asked by the Lord to do. When we first met Jeff, he was charactorized as aggressive and on medicine for that. he was unresponsive to hugs or kisses or even any sort of intimate conversation, but we loved him and his siblings. We knew that these were our children. God said- period. Tim was sure and I was sure. So despite what the professionals said, I was going to bond with this son. I would love him and he would love me. I remember one day we were at the beach and he did not want to participate and have fun with us. he began to run away and Tim chased him down and threw some sand in his face and hair and Jeff began to unwind and relax. That became the kid of game we played whenever he got beligerent or frightened of new things- we joke him into liking it. Once we went to a restaurant and jeff was not going to go in and eat. I told him he was going and he began to flail at me so i held his arms and said, "You are coming and it will be okay. Because I will sit right here and hold you and love you until you want to go in..." It took a few minutes and he did go in and we did have fun. It was the same with goodnights. We prayed everynight with every child. At first Jeff fought this but when he realized that each child was tucked in, each child had a special blankie, each child had a special lullaby, and each would be smooched- he realized that this was a traditionandthis was family. It took a long time for him to relax and trust me- about two years. It was very hard sometimes to love someone who didn't readily love you back- so sometimes- okay alot- I went out of my way to make a concentrated effort to do the things he loved. I wanted him to forget the bad mother and love this new mother- me. I wanted him to love me and I would never break my promise. No matter what he did or could do- I told him I would never ever leave him or stop believing in him ever. And I never did....despite what Jeff believed in the last two years od his life and despite what some idiots say....I loved Jeff with a love so overpowering- I nearly lost myself and my other children to it.