Apart from telling my children that their brother had killed himself, I believe the next hardest thing I had to do was to show them his body. Each child handled it in their own way. One child saw flowers from their birthparents (sent by a bio grandmother) and began to smash the flowers everywhere. That child's reaction was exactly my reaction too, but I wanted my children to decide if they wanted these people to be a part of Jeff's death. And each of them did not. The flowers were removed just as their parents had been so many years ago....
When we first met these children- it was so easy to fall in love with them. I have to admit though, it was Jeff who was the hardest. He was so angry at being taken away from his bio parents. Angry not because they were good parents, but angry because he didn't get a say and he didn't get to say good-bye. He especially hated his mother. He was never able to express exactly what she had done to him and so I never pressured, I just held him when he cried, and tried to understand his moods when he did not. For years Jeff felt tremendous guilt over his bio dad walking away. He never got it resolved in side his heart or his head. Even the day before his death, I told him I would help him get to see his bio dad, but Jeff couldn't deal with him. He couldn't face the possible rejection. He couldn't face the hurt.Tim and I had presented Jeff with the opportunity to see his bio dad at least three times in his life, but each time, Jeff chose not too. The hurt was simply too deep. I know he needed to resolve the issue, but he could not nor would he talk to a counselor about it.
And that hurt was one of the few issues that tore Jeff up inside. That is what attachment disorder syndrome does to a child. Jeff couldn't attach to anyone without worrying about if he could handle a relationship and the love or lack there of that came with it. jeff simply had learned not to trust because the adults in his life had done so much damage prior to his fifth years of life, that Jeff learned how to say what people wanted him to say and to do what they wanted him to do without putting any real, true emotion into the relatioonship. Jeff needed to be loved, but he needed it on his terms. The more we loved him, the more he pushed away. The older he got, the more a true nonconditional love relationship cost him mentally- he just couldn't deal. And for that I am sorry because Jeffrey was so loveable and so unique- his mere presence made you want to be a part of his world. He lit up a room just by smiling- I miss that- I think I will always miss that and him. Knowing about jeff's illness doesn't make his death easier, but it does permit us some understanding into why Jeff did this and truthfully, it alleviates some of my guilt. But never will all of the guilt go away.
The reason I address Jeff's hurt of losing his birth parents and the wound that never heals, is not to lay the blame of Jeff's death on them (I have prayed for them alot over the years), but to help a society and a social service system see that the there are some huge flaws in removing a child from their parents and never allowing any sort of explaination or closure. It is a wound then opened and lead to fester if unresolved in a child's mind- a child who is neither equipped with the emotions to handle such a lossor has the little mind to totally comprehend it. It is a bond that clearly breaks the child as well. Thus it can lead to an adult who is tramatized and cannot function in a normal, healthy relationship. I believe that each child, whenever possible, should be told exactly why the parent is being removed from their lives, the reasons, and that they should be able to say good-bye either in person or a letter or letters. This would bring about a closure for that child. This would bring about an opening for future parents and enable them some sort of ability to heal a hurt. It would help solidify a relationship into a permentant bond that could be trusted and build and grow- not just enough to get by.
Jeff was a beautiful lover. He could love with a love so fierce that it was frightening. He was loyal, respectful, and loving. Think of how much more he could be if he was allowed or moved to let go of unfounded guilt. Would I be writing a blog about his death? I guess I'll never know....
A Note: Jeff's bio parents blame Tim and I for Jeff's death. They have said that I wouldn't allow them at the funeral. This is not true- it was my choice- nor did I make it. But it is important to know that we would never ever blame anyone for Jeff's death. They gave Jeff life and in this day and age of disposable children that is a huge thing.Without them, we would never been able to love our oldest son for the thirteen years that God allowed us too.....
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