Telling our Kids

Today I was going to write about how hard it was to tell our kids that Jeff was gone. But I cannot. I cannot speak of it or even relive it if only on this blog. Telling my children- all of them- even the adults was the hardest thing I have ever had to do or watch in my life. It was harder than actually losing Jeff because I had to do something that I knew would intentionally hurt them. I had to explain the unexplainable. I will not do it again. As I sit here writing after coming back from a grief counselor with Katce- I am reminded of the pain that these children have to live through everyday and I am saddened and hurt to the core. Children do not understand death, but more importantly, they do not understand suicide. So I am leaving my children's sadness and memory of that time to ourselves and asking that today as I began my journey and theirs too to understanding Jeff's choice- that you  pray for us. There have been some new developements about Jeffrey that have stunned me and I am saddened for my little boy who was so hurt inside that he could never love those who loved him most, but could love those in public who never really knew him at all. Missing him more today...especially the little boy who captured my heart on that ocean beach so many years ago...